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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Diet - deadline is 8-9-12 9:59 am NY time. (08/02/12)
This morning I had a breakthrough. A breakthrough from the bondage I had with shame, in an area that had been a tremendous hurdle my entire life. Today I jumped over that hurdle. I jumped really high. And I landed on my feet. This time I didn’t fall. This time I didn’t even stumble.

Can you believe that I ate a double fudge chocolate brownie with milk chocolate frosting for breakfast? And it gets better. I ate it, I enjoyed every bite, and I didn’t feel one ounce of guilt when I was finished. A piece of me had healed.

You see, when I was growing up, I felt ashamed whenever I ate anything sweet. “I see you sneaking that cookie,” Dad would say with a glare in his eye. “You know what will happen if you eat those,” he’d add. And I knew what he meant because he’d told me before. “That kind of junk makes you fat.” My older brothers called me “Fat Pig.” And I believed them. Granted I was chubby as a little girl but technically I was never obese. But in my mind I just knew I was fat. Otherwise the people around me wouldn’t have said so. And that was a problem. I was a problem.

If I had even thought of eating anything sweet, I had broken a law. At least my mind believed this lie. It led to a secretive obsession with food by the age of six. If I wanted something, I snuck it and ate it privately or if I was in public, I’d eat quickly. I figured when I was finished, the people around me would be finished secretly criticizing me in their heads. Even at my birthday parties, I’d feel guilty for eating a piece of my own cake. I could pretend I was enjoying it really well, I’d even smile for pictures, but negative thoughts reamed me afterward. “Everyone knows your fat. You shouldn’t have eaten that.” Sometimes it would take days for those thoughts to fade. Some never did. Some followed me into adulthood. And it became a pattern that left me in bondage.

A five year monstrous battle with bulimia intensified negative thoughts. And deprivation of something sweet even after I conquered bulimia seemed necessary so that I wouldn’t have to punish myself afterward. Intense exercise and starvation were common if I’d slipped. Enmeshed in the horrific thoughts of what sweets would do to me kept me in bondage. “If I eat that brownie, it will go straight to my thighs.” And gaining weight was unacceptable.

I didn’t understand that my struggle had come from unhealthy messages I received as a little girl. “If you eat sweets, you’ll get fat.” And “If you get fat, you’ll be unlovable.” All the unhealthy messages that I believed to be true were far from true. Being thin will not make people love me unconditionally. Just like being fat will not make people not love me. I discovered that I deprived myself of sweets and/or binged on them in private my entire life and punished myself for doing so because as a child I was criticized for eating them.

Freedom came when I learned how to create healthy boundaries and how to take care of me when I felt shame creeping in. Sometimes it just takes an encouraging verse or prayer to remind me that I’m okay. I can eat sweets in moderation when it’s right for me and if I choose. And I can eat in peace because I know God's Truth. He loves me unconditionally. And to me, part of enjoying my life was eating a double fudge chocolate brownie with milk chocolate frosting for breakfast this morning. And without condemnation!Though I won’t do this everyday, I will do it once in a while as a reminder that shame and fear no longer exist in this area of my life. I have self control, and using it God's way frees me to celebrate! And I will celebrate. I celebrate my identity in Christ Jesus. He always cares and carries me through with gracious patience and boundless love. And I take care of my temple with gratitude, keeping Him in mind, as I grow in His likeness.

“I am not controlled by what people think of me. As long as God is satisfied with me I am satisfied.”
1 Corinthians 4:3-4 (AMP)
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This article has been read 631 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Laura Manley
08/09/12
This story reminded me of a concert where the conductor starts the orchestra playing softly, but purposefully. It built as the instruments played their message and at the end of it, I could hear the cymbals(sp) resounding. What an apparently honest appraisal of what the reader assumes is a history of you dealing with food issues. You dealt with the subject very delicately and I am sure you have a compassion for those people who I you see are in the same boat you were in during a good share of your life. It is a shame what people do to children by what we say to them. They are so impressionable and what we say can be something lasting, as in your case. This was very well-written and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Sometimes this kind of entry can be boring; this was quite the opposite. Excellent!
C D Swanson 
08/10/12
This was a moving and brilliant personal testimony. I felt your anguish, and was compelled to read on. The "inner demons" you faced concerning your shame washed clean away by the power of love from the one who "loves us the most."

I thought this beautiful and enlightening...and it touched my heart so deeply. Excellent, excellent, excellent. And, I am so thrilled for your victory through Jesus Christ.Amen.

Thank you for sharing!
God bless you~
Kristine Baker
08/10/12
Well crafted and on topic. I could feel, in your writing, the stress of growing up with negative messaging. The conclusion was very good. Way to overcome with Jesus!!
Nancy Bucca
08/13/12
I think this would make a great devotional. How many people (especially women) have suffered from being labeled "fat"? We really are what we think and need to reject the labels others put upon us. Very, very well done.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/16/12
This brought tears to my eyes. I could feel the pain of the little girl who still pokes her head out every now and then. People sometimes have no clue that their actions and words write on the slate of children. I've suffered through eating disorders and have a food that I consider safe and then it's the only thing I can eat without guilt. You did a great job with this piece.
C D Swanson 
08/16/12
Congratulations! This was so good and I am so happy for you. God bless~
lynn gipson 
08/16/12
Congrats! excellent entry and I really enjoyed it!
Bea Edwards 
08/16/12
I was touched by your testimony and loved your explanation of where your new identity and freedom came from. Well done!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/17/12
Congratulations for your ribbon and for ranking 19th overall!