Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Appointment (02/09/12)
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TITLE: Ha Ha The Enemy Lost | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ken Ebright
02/12/12 -
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She vaulted out bed, and took a quick shower.
She jogged out to her car and discovered she had a flat tire. "Oh my goodness." She sprinted to her trunk, tossed the spare tire on the ground, threw the jack under the car, and hoisted it up. Five minutes later, she had the tire changed.
She hopped into the car and turned the key. "Brr...rum" She waved her tightened fists in the air and said a prayer under her breath. “Lord, please help me.”
Then she flung her phone out and dialed a number. "Atkins and Atkins, how may I help you?”
"What do you mean, Atkins and Atkins? Isn't this supposed to be Cross Right Counseling Service?"
"No, this is Atkins and Atkins, what number were you calling?"
"It was 555-3940."
"This is 555-3960."
Charla shook her head. “Sorry, I goofed."
She dialed the number again, the voice answered, "Cross Right Counseling."
"I was supposed to see Ben Johnson; I'm going to be late. I'm having car trouble."
"Okay, we'll see you when you get here."
Just then a guy walked out of the apartment building. Charla darted out of the car and ran up to him. "Sir, could you give me a jump start?"
"Sure, no problem, M’am." The guy climbed into his car.
About five minutes later her car was running. She raced down the Interstate 25W and pulled off onto France Avenue. Then she rushed into the parking lot and bolted into the office.
She scurried to the front desk. "Hi, I'm here to see Ben Johnson. I'm Charla."
The receptionist exhaled noisily, “Sorry, you're too late. He is seeing other people. However, you’ll still be charged."
Her face turned red, "Why am I being charged? My car broke down, I couldn't help it."
The receptionist frowned, "Charla, there is nothing I can do."
Charla sat down in the lobby and started to cry. The noises of talking could be heard in the background.
The receptionist hung up the phone, "Charla, you’ll never guess what just happened."
She wiped her eyes with a tissue, leaped up, and walked over to the window.
"Yeah."
"First, I’m sorry about being so abrupt earlier. I felt bad about your car troubles. We just had a cancellation. Would you still like to see him?"
"Yes, oh yes."
"Okay, would you like something to drink while you wait?"
"That would be fine."
The receptionist glowed, "The Lord must have seen your adversity today. The enemy didn‘t win this battle."
Charla’s face lit up. "Satan lost and the Lord won."
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I had to comment that I'm happy I didn't see the typos and other little errors I've seen sprinkled throughout some of your other writing. Yay!
I did notice that in the 2nd through 4th paragraphs you began many sentences with "she". Try working on sentence variation. You could have used her name a couple of times, or "the frazzled woman" or things like that. Even better, don't start every sentence with the subject. For instance, you could use a verb. "Sprinting to her trunk, she . . . " Or a preposition, "With great frustration, she" These sentences also "show" more about the character, which draws the reader in.
I'm not sure I agree with the review about changing the story to present tense. It could be good that way, but I don't know about "better".
Anyway, your story was on topic and I liked a lot of the showing you did.
Nice job.