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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Bon Voyage (09/05/05)
“Hey Mrs. Ellis, have fun on your trip.” Phoebe Harris ground her teeth every time
she heard someone talk of Mrs. Ellis’ upcoming trip. Both ladies were retiring at the same time,
but all anyone could talk about was Mrs. Ellis and her trip. Phoebe would love to be going to Europe too. Her and Harry had talked of traveling the U.S.A first, then going overseas, but Harry had died two years ago. He had left her with enough to live on when she retired, which she was doing at the same time as Mrs. Ellis. She could travel if she wanted, but it’s not very much fun to go places alone. Boy, didn’t she know that for a fact these last two years. Mrs. Ellis had lost her George around the same time as Phoebe had lost Harry, but Mrs. Ellis seemed to do quite well alone. She went all the time.
“Wake up dreamer” laughed Julie, Phoebe’s working partner. “Sorry, guess I was busy with my little pity party” sighed Phoebe. “Listen, you don’t know what God may have in mind for you, so perk up. Come on, give me that famous Phoebe smile. Good, that’s much better”.
“I’m looking forward to the bon voyage party, how about you?” asked Julie. “I wish I didn’t have to go, all it will do is make me sadder and then angry because I can’t” answered Phoebe.
“Well, you are expected to go because it’s right after work in the lounge. No excuse.” replied Julie. “I know, think I’ll go to the restroom for a little quiet prayer time, later” said Phoebe.
“God, I know my feelings are wrong and I should be thankful that Harry left me as well off as he did, but we had such great plans” cried Phoebe. “Help me overcome these wrong attitudes and be content with what I have. Thank you, Lord”.
Later as Phoebe and Julie were headed for the party room, Mrs. Ellis stepped out of her office and ask Phoebe if she could talk with her a minute. Julie went on saying she’d catch Phoebe later.
When Phoebe had settled herself into a chair Mrs. Ellis began talking. “Phoebe, I know you’re retiring too and was wondering what you were going to do when you did?”
“Well, I guess I’ll visit grandkids, then I’m not sure, why?” asked Phoebe. “Well, I was wondering what you would say about spending the summer with me in Europe” said Mrs. Ellis.
When Phoebe finally got her jaw off her lap, she croaked, “I’d love to, but I’m not sure I have enough money”.
“No problem there,” laughed Mrs. Ellis. “The only money you’ll have to put out will be for whatever you buy when we go shopping. You see everyone thinks I’ve done so great since George died, but actually I haven’t. I’ve been going all the time because I couldn’t stand to be alone at home. Now I know we don’t know each other, but by the end of three months I think we’ll be great friends. What do you say?” “I would be delighted to go with you and thanks,” said Phoebe.
As she and Mrs. Ellis headed for the party she could almost hear God saying, “I didn’t forget you. Enjoy.”
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Member Comments
Member
Date
B Brenton
09/13/05
That is sooo a Jesus thing to do! ;) Nice and true to form. Thanks and God bless.
Jan Ackerson
09/13/05
A few picky details: "She and Harry" rather than "Her and Harry", and put spaces between your paragraphs. That said, your story was very sweet, and I really was able to feel Phoebe's loneliness. Thanks for writing.
sandra snider
09/15/05
Harry, George, Mrs. Ellis, Phoebe, Julie...I got a little bogged down with all the names. When you use names, the reader has to keep track of all of them in her head. It isn't really important to know the names of the husbands, or even the co-worker. You could just refer to them as husbands who died, or as co-worker. Also, paragraphs needed!
Deborah Porter 
09/21/05
Sharon, this was a really nice little story, that got a bit lost in the translation. Probably the main problem was that the dialogue was all clumped together. With speech, you need to start a new paragraph every time the person speaking changes.

Also, you need to watch out for dropped "ed." You aren't alone with this - quite a few new writers accidentally leave "ed" off some of their words, for example, "Mrs. Ellis stepped out of her office and ask Phoebe.." That "ask" should have been "asked."

It would probably be worth submitting this to the Critique Circle to get some constructive editing suggestions. It can be a great way to help point new writers in the right direction.

Don't be discouraged though Sharon. I really thought the idea behind this was good. Now you just need to discover how to polish it so that it really shines. With love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)