Disengaged | Previous Challenge Entry

how it works

TITLE: Disengaged | Previous Challenge Entry
By Al Lovelady
06/03/09
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES

“There’s this place in me where your fingertips still rest… your kisses still linger and your whispers softly echo… It’s the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.” - Anonymous

It’s been almost a year since I ended our engagement - a very long, miserable year full of second-guessing and “what if”. Every day I have the same conversation with myself – coulda, woulda, shoulda. And every day at the end of that conversation I discover what everyone else knew all along – that the relationship was doomed. But that’s not the answer that I’m looking for. So maybe tomorrow it will different. Maybe I will think of something that I missed before and it will all be OK again. Maybe.

“No one can say that you didn’t try.” How many times did I hear that? Normally I would feel smugly justified by that statement, but somehow it just doesn’t work this time. I knew that counseling was not likely to solve our problem, but for you I was willing to try anything. I heard your plans and promises and was so optimistic – but the deeds never came. Why couldn’t you just follow through? Wasn’t I worth it? Weren’t WE worth it?

When you suggested that we get engaged and we set the date, my heart said, “YES! YES!” But I knew deep down that nothing had really changed. The same problem that ended our relationship the first time was still there, hiding beneath the thin veil of denial that I had tossed over it. You had already made your choice, and I simply couldn’t live like that. So then I had to make my choice.

It’s been almost a year now and you are gone and I still can’t figure out why. I try not to be bitter, but there are so many doubts and questions. Did you love me at all, or was I just a “situation”? Did you even like me, or did you secretly think of me as grotesque and only stayed with me because it was better than being alone? You were everything to me!! Do you know how much it hurts to wonder if I ever really mattered to you??

But the good times were good. For me, at least. When emailing my friends back home, I called you “The Hottie”. And in the picture that I found the other day, you were giving the camera that look. Yeah, *that* look - the one that made me fall in love with you all over again. You fit into my arms like they were custom-made just for you and the sound of your voice was hypnotizing – especially when I held you close and you were whispering in my ear. I knew that we would soon be married and that every morning for eternity I would wake up holding you next to me. We would take wonderful vacations and spend candlelit evenings in front of the fire and enjoy our life together as playmates and as lovers. And one day we would be that sweet little old couple that everyone talks about – the two who were still madly in love after decades of marriage. It was going to be an excellent adventure.

It's been almost a year now and everyone expects that I should be dating like a wild man. When I explain that no one could ever replace you, they just seem annoyed. Apparently I gave up the right to be unhappy when I broke the engagement. But they don’t know you like I know you, so they could never understand my loss.

PREVIOUS ENTRY | NEXT ENTRY
SUBMIT YOUR ENTRY FOR THIS WEEK'S CHALLENGE

The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.

If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE

JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.