The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/10/09
I would love to read more about this setting.

Your longest paragraph could easily be broken down into several shorter ones, which would improve the flow of your story.

Your characters are interesting.
05/13/09
I had to laugh since my name is Lollie...sure hope I wasn't an inspiration for your nun character. I agree, there's a lot of potential here. Your character development was strong and the direction your story was headed was very interesting. The one suggestion I would make is to slow down just a litte and proofread a little more before submitting. There are some minor dialogue errors but overall a great story.
First time! - it's good. I agree with the others and their comments. You definitely have a writer's mind and It's upward from here.