Anger; A Catalyst for a Change for the Better | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Anger; A Catalyst for a Change for the Better | Previous Challenge Entry
By Lynn Benicken
01/25/05
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I am blessed to be me. This is a totally radical concept. For most of my 46 years, being L.M.B. was a curse. My life began with and was characterized by rejection, challenging circumstances and bitter disappointments. Details are insignificant since we all bear scars as a result of living in a fallen, sinful world. As a result of my wounding, I had felt unloved and undesirable. For years, I applied my own remedies to these painful, life diminishing, joy robbing injuries. I was sustained, but never healed. Consequently, I had been traveling through life weighed down with burdens I was never intended to carry and distortions I was never meant to believe.

For many of these difficult years, I was a Christian, having accepted God’s gift of eternal life years ago. The joy of the Lord, however could not be found in me, nor was His light shining through my life even though I was committed to my church and a very active, giving member. Ironically, I was doing the best I could, giving all I had. The problem was my best and my all was encumbranced. My mentality was affected. This contaminated my ability to relate to God the way I needed to. I was going through motions, laboriously striving and driving myself, yet spinning my wheels, getting no where fast. I wasn‘t miserable, but I was angry, defeated and resigned to a life of passive victimization. Life was wearing me down.

Drastically and dramatically my life changed or rather my perception and mindset changed. I was liberated even though my circumstances can still be challenging and disappointments have not vanished. I am however, no longer diminished or demoralized by them.

This miraculous change came through a relationship with Jesus Christ. My precious Jesus! Belonging to Him fundamentally and irrevocably changed me and as a result, the way in which I live and LOVE my life. Madness was a catalyst for this reformation. Not me going mad, but getting mad. In desperation I dialoged all of my feelings and frustrations to God. He is incredibly merciful and patient. His ways are nothing like ours. I surrendered to Him and asked Him to love and heal me. The white flag was flown from the castle of my broken, contrite heart. I totally subjected and yielded myself to Him. I wanted to know and be known by a loving God. This risk took courage. My family, friends, even medicine and doctors had betrayed my trust. If this measure didn‘t evoke change, I would be doomed to a life of quiet desperation. I wanted to feel more than victimized and defeated; I wanted to be validated and victorious.

I naively, yet boldly came before Him, heart opened, bruised and broken. I admitted defeat. My band-aids weren’t effective. I begged Him to take His rightful place in my life and to save me, not from damnation, done already, but from the ugliness and hurts of life. He gladly came and immediately in moderate but measurable ways, began demonstrating His love for me. I am sure He loved me all along, but my vision was clouded by doubt and denial.

Grasping and internalizing God’s abundant and unconditional love was life enhancing. It transcends all circumstances. I live a different life. I am the same person, yet I am changed. My life is now characterized by the joy of knowing Jesus. I feel purposeful rather than persecuted. God saved me in more ways than one. I feel special and in ALL areas of my life, God is restoring and rebuilding all that was taken and destroyed. I am healing and am experiencing life in a refreshed and merry way for which I am immensely grateful. I am humbled by this experience. To God be the glory and praise.

To all who seek the Lord, I attest, He can be found. Others may have disappointed and hurt you. God will not. He is true to His word and loves categorically. He keeps every promise. Learn them. Cling to them. Believe for better. But be warned, when God gets a hold of you reformation takes place. Renovation can be painful and long. Consequently, you will be refashioned and altered. You will truly be a new person, fortified for the battles of living, improved and enhanced by the joy, peace and contentment of knowing and being known by Jesus.

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