Dark Advent | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Dark Advent | Previous Challenge Entry
By Kathy Ludwig
10/29/08
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She sat alone in her accustomed place in the small church and watched as the youngster lit the first of the Advent candles. She despaired in her heart of ever celebrating the joyous season again. In this new century, one didn't wear widow's weeds to proclaim a state of mourning, still she felt draped and enfolded in a deeper darkness. Last year at this time her Charlie sat beside her, now there was only a cold empty space where he should be and, since his passing, she could not bear to set even her hymnal in that spot, so deep was her longing to have him beside her once again. "How," she wondered, "do you prepare your heart for the Christ Child's coming when your heart is broken?"

It had been a year of horrible firsts, every one followed by the phrase, "without Charlie". Her birthday, his birthday, their anniversary, Easter, spring, summer, Thanksgiving and now, the hardest yet, her first Christmas without Charlie.

On the Second Sunday of Advent, she thought of staying home but knew that she must find a way through this blinding pain. The only thing she could do was just get on with life so she dragged herself from her bed and went to church. As a small boy lit the second candle, her mind turned unexpectedly to how God might have prepared for the advent of His son, knowing from the beginning what the outcome would be. Did He mourn, as she was mourning now? Was Their separation as painful as hers from Charlie?

She brooded over the question all week but concluded nothing until the Third Sunday in Advent. This time, as the acolyte lit the third candle, a small flame sparked within her heart as well. The congregation sang the haunting Advent hymn and she understood that God had indeed mourned –- for her, for Charlie, for her family, for these friends that surrounded her – - and His grief was so deep that He created a plan to make them whole again, a plan of redemption and return. She wept at the thought of the raw pain God must have felt and marveled at the wonder of His solution.

The Fourth Sunday of Advent found her in her seat early. She wanted to meditate on the new ideas God had presented to her and she waited with expectation for yet another insight. The fourth candle was lit and she thought for a moment of how quickly, despite her grief, the four weeks had gone. In that instant, God turned her thoughts to how brief earthly life really is. Merely the womb, preparing us for a broader, freer existence in eternity and a more joyous life in God's very presence, this place was only the beginning of the life we were created for. And to think, her Charlie was there even now, celebrating his first Christmas, a spiritual infant in the presence of the Almighty. She set her hymnal down on Charlie's seat and patted it gently. The thought of Charlie celebrating seemed so real and right.

On Christmas Eve, her usual seat was taken by the time she arrived, so she sat near an old friend. The comfort of it was remarkable. She watched as a young girl lit the Advent candles once again, this time ending with the Christ candle. She wept at the precious gift the candle represented. There was still pain in her heart and she knew her mourning was not finished, she would miss Charlie for a long time yet, but something new was growing from the grief, a deeper awareness and a new excitement for God's plan.

No, "Merry Christmas" was not yet in her heart or on her tongue, but she hugged her friend and left her with a new salutation, "May the blessing of the Christ Child be yours."

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