The Official Writing Challenge
BACK TO
CHALLENGE
MAIN
INSTRUCTIONS
how it works
submission rules
guidelines for
choosing a level
ENTRIES
submit your entry
read current entries
read past entries
challenge winners
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.


TRUST JESUS TODAY

  • Share
  • how it works
  • Submit
Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Cousin(s) (05/22/08)
Hide! I must hide! He will be looking for me! Qu-u-i-i-et. Stay quiet, and be still! No shuffling of my feet or slight movement of my hand, not even of a finger, in case I brush against something I can’t see in this darkness. That could reveal where I am.

Where is it? That small space I found earlier, knowing I would be able to fit. Hm-m-m, I guess there is some advantage to being so tiny after all, isn’t there. I must find it.

Ah-h, the wall! The rough, coolness of the concrete wall. Well, at least, I know I’m going in the right direction, now. If I follow the wall, I can find it. Quickly, now. He will be coming soon!

What is this? Metal? Yes, the metal box-shaped thing. Here it is! Just feel my way around it. Then squeeze through the space between it and the wall. It’s tall and wide. It will hide me. Man, this space is tight! He will never find me here, I’m sure of it.

Did you find a safe place to hide, Stevie? You sent me in the opposite direction. I know it was because you thought I would hide too close to you and, then, we would both get caught. I’m too young. I always make too much noise to please you, but I hope you are safe.

E-u-w-h! What’s that? Oh, no! It’s a spider web. My fingers are touching a spider web! (shudder) Yuck, I bet they’re all getting in my hair! I’m smashed between the wall and this metal thing and I can’t move my head away. There’s nothing I can do, except stay here or give myself up.

I hadn’t thought about that! The spiders and the bugs. This wall is moist. I bet there are huge, shiny, black waterbugs all around me! This space is so tight I can’t even pick my feet up to smash one. And, I’m so afraid of bugs! (another shudder)

Footsteps. He’s trying to walk quietly, but I’m sure I heard them – footsteps. Yes! There it was again. Stay very still, don’t make a sound, no matter what! Oh, he’s right beside this thing. Hold my breath! Don’t breathe. He might hear me if I breathe.

There, he’s moving away. Thank goodness. Watch out, Stevie, wherever you are.

“German in the Dar-r-rk! I found Stevie!”




--------------------

“All of this is just the memory of a game. The game a five year-old girl was taught by her two, older, male cousins back in the 1950’s. Little did these children understand that the game in which they took such delight- the chills of hiding in the dark, being sought by a lurking enemy, and facing the challenge of fears- was, in reality, born of actual events from only a decade before. It was an infamous history they were re-enacting. Those children, an ocean away, had no choice in whether or not to ‘play’ this game. When caught by their seekers they suffered much greater consequences than just being tagged with calls of, ‘German in the Dark!’”
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE

JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
This article has been read 1184 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Sara Harricharan
05/29/08
This is very interesting! You pull the reader straight in and keep them involved in the story with this POV and the descriptions. I was with the MC feeling the spider webs, and those big black waterbugs. Wow, good job! ^_^
Beckie Stewart
05/30/08
Thanks for the explanation of this game. Never heard of it, but could imagine the children playing it.
Andrea Hargrove
05/30/08
That thing with the bugs... that's how I feel sometimes when I play manhunt. Poor kid. And interesting way to tell the story.
Kelli Young
05/31/08
You did a great job of describing what fears and dangers there would be if this was more than a game. I never would have guessed that was all it was until I finished reading it. Kind of sobering to think children would make a game out of what was once a dreadful horror to so many.
Debbie Wistrom
06/02/08
Interesting take on the topic and I appreciate the history lesson. I like the (shudders)they were well placed.
Cheri Hardaway
06/02/08
This was EXCELLENT! I certainly thought it was the real thing. A very masterful telling, creating a fearful experience, and then revealing that it was just a game -- this time. The piece is a bit light on topic, but the writing and the story are awesome. Great work, Cheri
Jan Ackerson
06/02/08
Excellent! One of the best on this level this week, in my opinion.
Lyn Churchyard
06/03/08
Oooh, this was so suspenseful and had a "prickly" feel about it (if you know what I mean). Your mind plays tricks on you when you're playing in the dark so I understand fully what the little girl was feeling. It's not easy to write in the first person but this is great. Well done Marlene :-)
Joshua Janoski
06/03/08
One of the best you have written so far in my opinion, Marlene. Very suspenseful, and I appreciated the explanation at the end.
Aaron Morrow
06/05/08
Excellent work Marlene, you did a wonderful job building the tension though we know it is just a game.

When I started reading it the italics threw me a little, but the fact that your voice remained constantly in the MC's thoughts throughout, sucked me right in.

Most excellent!