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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Sibling(s) (05/01/08)
“Susan, do you want to play dolls?” Abby looked up hopefully from the floor, her Barbie doll gripped tightly in her hand.

Susan tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder and scornfully replied, “I’m too old for dolls, Abby. I’m going to the mall with my friends.” The Royal Fuchsia lipstick accentuated her pursed lips and she flounced toward the doorway of the lavender bedroom they shared, pausing for a brief glance in the mirror to check her makeup.

Abby looked down at her doll as she heard the distant slam of a door. A single tear slowly rolled down her cheek and splashed into a tiny pink heel lying on the floor, surrounded by the miniature wardrobe. Abby wasn’t sure when Susan decided she was too old to play with her. After all, she was only two years older and didn’t they just play dolls last week?

Abby gathered up the doll wardrobe and shoved everything back in the plastic container, carelessly tossing her Barbie doll on top. Placing the box back on the toy shelf, she was no longer in the mood to play with her doll. Throwing herself across her bed, she let out a dramatic sigh and picked up her book.

Susan stepped through the bedroom she shared with her sister as the late afternoon sunshine was beginning to cast shadows across the floor. Glancing over at Abby’s bed she noticed her sister fast asleep, her brown curls framing her rosy cheeks and spilling over the pages of the book that served as her pillow. With a twinge of guilt, Susan pulled the beaded necklace set out of the small bag as quietly as she could and leaned over the dresser. She held the earrings up and admired her choice as she heard a tentative voice speak out, “Those are pretty, Abby.”

She jumped and turned around to see Abby leaning up on one elbow. “Thanks, Abbs, do you want to see the matching necklace? You can wear it to church this Sunday and I’ll wear the earrings since Mom won’t let you pierce your ears yet.” She plopped down on Abby’s bed, cross-legged, and regaled her adventures at the mall. Susan’s gregarious sense of story-telling of mall shoppers soon had Abby laughing so hard she slipped off the bed.

With the tips of Abby’s toes resting on the edge of the lavender bedcovers and the rest of her shaking with giggles on the pink rug, Susan leaned over the bed and said, “Hey, while you’re down there, would you grab the Barbie box?”
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This article has been read 1278 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Sara Harricharan
05/08/08
Ooh, those sisters! I liked Abby, I kinda felt sorry for her, but more so for Susan who wanted to 'grow up' but seemingly at the same time didn't want to be all that different from her little sis. This was great-especially the title and how they shared Susan's mall findings-the necklace and earrings.

The ending was good though. Nice job! ^_^
R. E.
05/08/08
I like it. Always hard when siblings get "too old" to play with you all the time.

The one thing I am confused about in this story is when Susan, the older sister, returns from the mall and takes out the jewlery. She hears a "tentative voice speak out, 'Those are pretty, Abby.'"

Perhaps it should say, "Those are pretty, Susan"? Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but to me it seems like the "tentative voice" is Abby, the little sister, talking to her big sister...and in that case I think it would logically read "Susan." Probably just a typo. (Sorry if I totally read it wrong and am telling you this in error!) :)

The other thing I might consider is adding some little stars to separate the space between when the girls are first talking and when Susan returns. Just a little " *** " perhaps to show the passing of time. You had spaces, so you did nothing wrong; I just think having something else might help clarify it more.

Nice job!
Leticia Caroccio
05/10/08
I liked this article. It flowed nicely. You managed to capture a snapshot of sisters: one leaving adolescence and one still playing with dolls. I like the way you showed the strength of their relationship, despite their differences. Nicely done.
Beckie Stewart
05/14/08
This was a delightful story of the awkward age of pre-teen...growing up and the doll stage. Like this story.
Ruth Howard
05/15/08
Enjoyed this story! I was easily drawn in and I liked your descriptions of the two sisters. Great ending, too!

Keep up the good writing! : )