Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Illustrate the meaning of "Every Dark Cloud has a Silver Lining" (without using the actual phrase or literal example). (02/28/08)
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TITLE: Born to be His Bride | Previous Challenge Entry
By W. Yvonne Birnell
02/28/08 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
He knew right from the start
That He would follow now my life
And grow within my heart
Yahweh aloud me to come forth
Out of my mother’s womb
Wrapped up in flesh He sent my soul
Into a world of gloom
Under the care of mom and dad
I learned how to obey
And as it is with any child
Sometimes now I would stray
Now as I grew from child to teen
So many things I tried
Some of those times were very hard
Those times I sat and cried
Then Yahweh called to me one night
As I sat all alone
I heard His voice so plain and clear
He said I heard you moan
We sat and talked the whole night though
Understanding I did gain
He said now go and get My Word
And fill your little brain
The truth I found inside His Word
Became to me a light
And in His Word I’ve learned to trust
My life now looks so bright
I’ve learned the purpose of my life
I’ve passed beyond the gloom
For I was born to be His bride
Yahshua is my groom
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At the beginning of the second stanza I think you meant allowed instead of aloud.
Laury
Aloud - I took as Yahweh speaking forth - calling you into existence from your mother's womb. if not a typo - is a excellent choice - sometimes a writer uses a word by choice and it challenges the reader to a deeper level understanding or into the writer's view on the story.
In my opinion your poem does this.
I really enjoy when a writer uses the Old Testament names -'Yahweh' Give more depth and imagination to the poem and the reader can only 'imagine'.
I like it when my thoughts are challenged to read between the lines. This peom did that for me.
I looked purposely at the end to see if you used Yeshua - or Yahshua -
tells me you are in tune to Holy Spirit you hear his voice.
and like you wrote so plain and clear 'go get the Word and fill your little brain'. Great message
Excellent writing and look forward to reading more poems.
In my personal opinion, the line
"And fill your little brain"
seemed out of step with the overall formal tone of the poem.
Lastly, also just my opinion. The next progression in your poetry could be to not just count the syllables, but to listen for which syllables are stressed and unstressed, and use consistency in that as well, which will enhance the flow of the reading of your poetry. It is the difference between poetry that is nice to read, and that which truly rolls off the tongue.
Feel free to contact me as per contact info in my profile if you have any questions or would like a challenge buddy experienced in poetry.
Lovely sentiments.