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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Illustrate the meaning of “A Stitch in Time Saves Nine” (without using the actual phrase or literal example). (01/03/08)
Buried In The Backyard

My breath came in gasps. My lungs and thighs were burning. The world spun around me as I ran back to the street. My brother was running beside me. I don’t know how it happened. My brother, Jack, and I had been exploring our new town…

Sunset had come, painting the sky a brilliant pink, orange. The streets had begun to thin out as people returned to their homes. The cool air turned my cheeks pink, and the stars were extra bright. The evening smelled of roses and other plants.

Jack, with his totally annoying amount of curiosity, somehow managed to convince me to explore one of the alleys with him.

“Just five feet down that one alley.” He begged. “Please, I don’t want to go down there by myself. We’ll only be a minute.”

“Alright. But after that we are going home.” Even though I am the youngest one, and a girl at that, he sometimes relies on me to make decisions.

From the moment I stepped in the alley I felt eyes burning into my back. I walked until I had reached the five feet then I refused to move another inch.

“Lets go back. I’ve walked this far with you like I promised.” I turned and started to walk back.

“Jenny! Run!” Jack screamed. I spun around, my foot hitting an empty bottle. Three big men were running at me and Jack. I turned and fled. Jack’s gasps beside me filled me with relief, they hadn’t caught him.

The streets were empty. That gave us no advantage. Something slammed into my side. One of the men was trying to grab my hands.

“No!” I screamed. I tried to kick him, but my legs barley left the ground. The man had my arms in his tight grasp. I struggled to escape, to move. Jack was grappling with the other two men beside me. Dust filled my mouth and nose as Jack landed beside me; the two men had beat him to the ground.

The biggest man stood up and stared at us. “You’re coming with us. Blindfold them.” He ordered the other two men. Dirt stung me eyes as the blindfold was rapped firmly around my face. I felt myself being lifted. I struggled, trying to make this as difficult as possible for the man.

By the time we reached our destination I was so worn out. We were set down and our blindfolds were removed. The big man stepped in front of us. “I will get straight to the point so as not to waist breath. You will join our gang or be killed. You have until tomorrow to decide. And remember we no where you live. We were watching as you moved in.” He turned toward the other two men. “Take them away.”

The blindfolds were put back on. Though we weren’t carried this time. Once we were led pretty far away Jack ripped of his blindfold and managed to release his arm. He ran into the man who was holding me and tore off my blindfold. Together we ran.

Okay so this puts us where we began; running away from the men. We finally managed to reach our house. Jack threw open the door and we charged in.

“What’s the hurry?” Our mom asked. We stopped and I filled her in on what had happened.

“Oh. Them.” My mother sounded as if she new exactly what we went through. “You know I think the same group of gangsters killed your grandfather. He lived here once. People say he was peeking down an alley, just like you were, and came out looking like he had seen a ghost. Then the next day he was dead. Buried in the back yard.”

“This backyard?” Jack asked.

“Yes. So I‘m going to make sure that doesn‘t happen to you. I will call the police and when the gang gets here tomorrow they will be here to take them away.”
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This article has been read 736 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Jan Ackerson
01/10/08
The first half of this story was extremely engaging--breathless suspense.

Be careful of spelling--barely, wrapped, waste, and know jumped out at me.

My biggest problem was with the ending--the mother's attitude seemed shockingly blase', and the last several paragraphs unlikely. Some re-working, perhaps, to bring the ending to the level of writing in the beginning?

This story shows great promise.
Catrina Bradley
01/11/08
I was so caught up in the story, so much excitement, but the ending left me wondering - I can only guess it might have been a bad practical joke on the mom's part to teach them a lesson. Seems like you ran out of steam. There are also several spelling errors. Please keep writing, keep working on your craft. You are a good story teller and could go far. God Bless. Cat
Marita Vandertogt
01/13/08
I agree with the others. The story started out really strong, and held my attention until the mother's response. Seemed a little unnatural - maybe word length forced it into a quick ending. Other than that though, you write well - very well, so keep going!!
Yvonne Blake 
01/15/08
Very exciting!
You kept the action moving well. Watch your spellings. (barely and know)
The ending was a bit weak, but all in all, it was good.
Keep writing.
Lauren Page
01/18/08
There was a really good plot to the story, I REALLY liked it! You should work off that story, like the bad guys find out about the mother calling the police, and kidnap her, and then the kids have to find her. Something like that, idk. ^-^ Keep writing! ^-^ & :)