My Refuge in the Midst of Fear | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: My Refuge in the Midst of Fear | Previous Challenge Entry
By Pamela Kliewer
08/30/07
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This writing is therapeutic for me because I was living it as I wrote it. I had something else started, but then my mom called and this is the result of that phone call.

I’m gripped so fast by the talons of fear that want to claw their way into my heart and hold fast.

It’s my daddy. My precious daddy. He is having chest pains and he won’t let my mom take him to the emergency room. Only a year and a half ago he had a heart attack. I was fearful then. I’m more fearful now. Fearful he may die. What would my life be like without this man of God in my life on a daily basis?

Just yesterday Daddy took me out to lunch and we had such a good talk. He was getting to know me better by the questions he asked… getting to know the me I was as a teen and the me I am now, 30 years later. His love washed over me in a soothing balm. His eyes looked into mine, showing me the depth of his emotion.

I want to beg him to let mom take him to the ER. I don’t want my daddy to die, for this would be the hardest death I’ve had to face in my life yet. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes that course down my cheeks with no way to stop them. They flow of their own free will. The pain the thought of losing him brings, is that deep.

What do I do with this fear, this anguish that wants to crush me and let itself out in sobs?

Give it to me My child, for I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (i)

I want to give my fear to God but at the same time, it’s hard. I feel this anger toward my daddy for being stubborn and that makes the fear dig its way deeper into my heart.

I hear God’s still small voice beckoning, drawing me close to His heart, reminding me of what I read recently about the names of God and how each of those names is a name I can call on in my time of desperate need.

Right now I need Him to be my place of refuge.

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me!
For my soul trusts in You;
And in the shadow of Your wings I
will make my refuge,
Until these calamities have passed by.
I will cry unto God Most High.
To God who performs all things
for me.
He shall send from heaven and
save me;
He reproaches the one who would
swallow me up. Selah
God shall send forth His mercy and
His truth.(ii)

Peace sweeps over me as I consider these words. I am especially comforted to read about Him reproaching the one who would swallow me up. Fear wants to swallow me up right now, and God is here, rebuking that fear, giving me a safe place to come and rest… the sheltering wings of His heart.

Resting in His heart, the best place for me to be when I am fearful and yearning for peace of mind. I can say with the psalmist, I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.(iii)

(i) 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV
(ii) Psalm 57:1-3 NKJV
(iii) Psalm 4:8 NKJV

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