Choices | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Choices | Previous Challenge Entry
By Joyce Sykes
01/17/07
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Dearest One,

It is with aching heart and tearful eyes that I take this pen in hand to write to you. How I wish things in our lives could be different. But, that is not the case. In fact, I wonder if you will ever be given the opportunity to read these words, but that is the risk I take by the very decision that I have made.

Not so long ago choices were laid before me. They were mine alone to make. However, I was too young, and foolish to see beyond the moment. Soft words of love and dedication easily persuaded me that this would fill that longing deep within me. Never could I imagine the consequences that would come from the desire and longing to be held and loved by someone, anyone.

I make this choice not out of a lack of love, but out of my desire for you to have much more than I could ever give you. I can not give you a mom and dad and you need both. Nor can I offer a place to sleep safely. I have no hope of taking care of you as you deserve. For you did not ask to be born, and brought into a world that can be so cruel to one who was conceived by the foolishness of a young girl.

I had walked with the Lord in my younger days, but events that happened made me distrust the Lord. Anger and frustration over my life and my heartaches choked out the love that I felt at one time. But I have come to realize that things happen and often it is not His will or desire but out of choices we make our self. He has never stopped loving me, but I choose to turn away.

I can only pray that the couple that picks you out will recognize what it cost me to let you go. Is it the right decision? Will you have a good life? Will your new mom and dad speak to you of Jesus and His love for you? Will they tell you that you were loved and wanted?

I love you.
Your birth mother,

Day 2
My little girl,

They brought you to my room for a short time today. I got to change your diaper and even feed you. I was terrified to do both. You seem so little and helpless, but I managed to do both without hurting you.

I hid both the gown and your baby bottle from the nurse when she came take you back to the nursery. She did not ask for them and after she left the room I hid them both in the bottom of my suitcase. I might not be able to take you home, but I at least I can hang onto something that you touched.

Day 3.
My Dearest Angela.
I know it’s a name that will only be with you for a short time, but I wanted to be able to call you by the name I gave you, even it’s only for a few days. Maybe, your adoptive parents will even give you the same name.

I got to hold you all the way in the car back to home for unwed mothers. It seemed like such a long trip when I was in labor, but painfully short on the way back. I hate this day. It’s my last day with you and they are coming to get you soon. I do not want to let you go, but I know that can not be the way.

My precious little one, I love you so much that it hurts. I never knew I could feel this way about anyone. Maybe someday you will understand and forgive me. I know that’s a lot to ask, but I only want the best for you. I want you to have all the things I can not give you. What kind of life could a sixteen old unwed mother offer to such a little girl?

I pray they give this letter to your new parents. I won’t be able to write anymore but I will be praying for you every day.

I love you,
Your birth mom

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