Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Lifeguard (11/09/06)
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TITLE: A LIFEGUARDS UNDERSTANDING HEART | Previous Challenge Entry
By Patricia Williams
11/13/06 -
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“Patty, sit still. We’re just about to the school. They’ll wait for you,” Mom assured me as we headed for the school parking lot where I was to board a big school bus and be taken to Rita Curtis’ Olympic Swimming Pool. ..All of us had to earn our swimming badge before we could go to Brownie Camp..
“Hurry, Patty,” the bus driver instructed as we pulled up
“See you later Mom, “ I managed as I flung open the car door and made a mad dash for the bus. Nervously I clung to my bag of swimming items. Everyone was noisy and anxious about the adventure ahead of us. I had never been to a swimming pool before. We mostly played on the ocean beach and stuck our feet in the waves as they came in.
I dressed as fast as I could. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears as I walked out of the dressing room into the pool side area. I swallowed hard as I carefully ambled over to the shallow end where a couple of my friends sat at the pool edge dangling their feet in the water. I sat down Indian style beside them. I wasn’t ready to put my feet in the water yet. The pool was so big. It was such a deep blue. Every time my friends would kick their feet in the water waves would ripple out into the deep end.
At the deep end of the pool I saw the water bubbling. There was a thing that looked like a big vacuum cleaner that was roaring and sucking the water out of the pool. Instinctively I pulled my legs up in a bent position and hugged them close to my chest.
“Patty. What are you doing? Put your feet in the water,” Betsy chidded.
“No way!” I declared as I hugged my legs tighter to my chest. “What if that thing sucks my feet off?”
“Why are you putting on your swimming cap? You won’t even put your feet in the water,”
Chrissy admonished.
“I don’t want to get water in my ears” I declared indignantly. “What if that things sucks up my hair and pulled me under the water. I wouldn’t be able to get my head above the water to breathe. I would die! This is a bad pool!”
A big splash at the end of the pool made all of us jerk to attention. Gazing towards the lifeguard’s chair we saw he was missing and we couldn’t see him any where. “Oh, what if that awful machine sucked him up into it?”
“Look! Look! He’s swimming under the water.” most everyone was yelling as he swam towards the shallow end of the pool where we were.
He climbed out of the pool and took a bow and told everyone to stand up. Everyone clapped but me. I was shaking too bad to clap.
He proceeded to throw a big rubber doll into the pool and tossed a life ring into the water. After a few moments of instruction he instructed us to all get in the pool.
The experience I thought was going to be wonderful this morning had turned into my biggest nightmare.
“You don’t want to get in little lady?” the lifeguard asked as he stood next to me.
“I don’t think so,” I said as tears welled up in my eyes.
“You know what? I’m a pretty big guy and I’ll get in with you and stay close in case you get scared,” he promised as he reached for my hand.
‘I don’t want to be sucked up by that big machine,” I said in a whisper.
“Oh sweetie, that won’t hurt you. How about if I have them turn it off and let you see the machine so you know it can’t hurt you?” he asked with a smile. He motioned for Mrs. Rayburn to come with us.
Once I understood the machine my fear was all gone. I couldn’t wait to get in the water.
“ If it’s okay with Mrs. Rayburn I’ll jump into the pool and let you climb down this ladder to meet me and I’ll swim you over to be with your friends,” he declared as he dived into the pool.
Mrs. Rayburn nodded her okay as I climbed carefully down the ladder to let the lifeguard
grab me safely around the waist and let me feel the thrill of the water rippling around me as we sped through the water.
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I wonder if you'd consider experimenting with using less dialog tags like chided and declared and the like, and replacing them with little descriptions of the action. For example, here's a brief re-write:
“Patty. What are you doing? Put your feet in the water.” Betsy reached out as if to grab my toes.
“No way!” I hugged my legs tighter to my chest. “What if that thing sucks my feet off?”
“Why are you putting on your swimming cap? You won’t even put your feet in the water.”
Chrissy's face had a self-righteous smirk.
Just something to think about--your writing is fun to read and your plotting well done.