Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Purposefulness (Purpose in Life) (05/25/06)
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TITLE: The Angel of All Time | Previous Challenge Entry
By Tashina Warren
05/31/06 -
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I was in the third grade (when my grandmother passed away) when I stopped believing in God. It was my biological father’s (Steve) weekend to have my brother, Zachary, and I, and Steve still lived with his parents. We went over after school on a Friday. As soon as we got there, I went into my grandparents’ house, visited for a while and we played games the rest of the night.
The next day came. Breakfast came to an end, and Steve kept telling me the dishes were my job. I kept saying they were his job; then, my grandmother interrupted trying to defend me. I said, “I don’t need you to defend me! I hate you! I don’t need you apart of my life anymore!” I exclaimed.
Then, I ran upstairs, grabbed my bear Butterfinger and ran to my secret place. My grandmother had a stream in her back yard. I called it my secret place because no one else knew about it and it calmed be down whenever I was angry or upset; but this time it did not work. I did not say a word to her the entire weekend. About a week later, my grandmother passed away, and I never even got the chance to apologize. I hated myself for the things I said, and I hated God for taking my grandmother away from me and taking what I said seriously.
I pushed Him farther and farther away from me because I felt like He was punishing me for something that I did. For years, I kept asking myself, “Why would He do something like this to me? Did I do something that made Him angry at me?” We had such a close relationship, until that day came. For so many years, I felt that He was punishing me, and I believed that for so long until someone, Rebecca Willis, came along and helped me realize that He does not. Ever since that day I have always dreamed about having a close relationship with God.
The Angel
My mother felt like our family was having issues, so she found a family counselor; and we started seeing her approximately every week. As the weeks and months flew by, I got to know her better each and every day, and I began to call her Terry. I told her about my grandmother, but I did not tell her about the God part of it.
I found out how close Terry is to God, so I emailed her:
Does He hate me for some reason? Is He even real? Did He make me stop believing in Him because He didn’t want me to be His child anymore? Why can’t I feel Him? Why can’t I see Him? I want to know why He is doing this to me. Why do I feel this way? I don’t understand. I’m so confused right now. How do you know if there is truly a God in Heaven? I want so desperately to understand. I feel so alone, so lost, so…so…abandoned. I don’t want to live my life like this…not being able to know God…not being able to feel His grace near me…not being able to be apart of His kingdom. I need His help…I need your help…I need someone’s help. Someone to bring me back into the light, where I once thought I belonged. I don’t know how to come back.
Tashina
In her email reply back to me, she just basically told me some of the answers I needed to know and that we would talk more about it at our next counseling session. Also, she said she would do all she could to bring me closer to God and Yeshua (Jesus). She said she was so happy that I was letting her be apart of this quest that this will be the beginning of all journeys.
I have a purposefulness of my life to get to know God…to feel his grace near me…to be apart of His kingdom…to be a real living child of His. Oh, and much more…much…much…much more.
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God bless your journey, and you for sharing so openly. Yes, there is much, much more!