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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Prosperity (05/11/06)
Christopher walked in the familiar room; knowing that his mom was in there…suffering. “Mommy?” He asked peeking in. Kate looked at her son and with a cough said “Come in honey” and he did. He sat next to his mom and nuzzled against her like a bear cub would to his protective mother.

“Mommy?” he asked again “Yes honey?” she answered looking down at him, “Are you going to die?” he asked. Kate was taken aback; she was curious why he wanted to know. “Why do you want to know?” she asked her son curiously, “because I know that you are sick and I want to know…are you going to die?” he told her. She looked down with a heavy heart, and tried so hard not to cry…”yes, I’m going to die sweetie.” She told him. Christopher sat up straight “But why? Why do you have to die mommy! I don’t want you to leave me!” he screamed. She rubbed his back and said “I know honey, I know…but it’s just my time to die, my life has been great and successful.” He looked at his mom and with tears streaking his face he said “but I won’t have a mommy anymore” “Oh no honey I will always be your mommy, but instead of being here with you I will be in Heaven, watching over you.” She interrupted her son. “But it won’t be the same, I need you here with me!” he yelped at her. All Kate could do was hold her son and cry.

Two days later, Christopher once again walked into that same old familiar room. “Mommy?” he asked as he walked in carrying a bouquet of flowers… “I brought you…” Christopher stopped talking and dropped the floors… “Where’s my mommy?” He screamed. A nurse came in the room and hushed the boy saying “Your mommy isn’t here honey…your mommy has gone to heaven.” He was shocked; he took a step away from the nurse and kept saying “no” over and over again, tears streaming down his face like a never-ending river. “It was just her time, sweetheart, it was time for her to go to heaven…her life was successful, fulfilled, prosperous.” He hugged the nurse, crying in her shoulder and said “but I don’t care if her life was properous” he said trying to say prosperous, “She is supposed to be here with me!” he said crying. “I know sweetheart” The nurse told him.

A couple days later was Kate’s funeral. Although Christopher still didn’t understand why his mommy died, he did understand that she was in heaven watching down on him. He walked over to her tombstone and laid a Rose down and he said “Watch me from heaven mommy, and keep being properous!”
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Virginia Gorg
05/18/06
Interesting ... but I wonder where the other family members were (if any) who could have talked to Christopher. Also instead of saying "Kate was taken aback; she was curious why he wanted to know. “Why do you want to know?” she asked her son curiously." ... perhaps change ..."why do you want to know?" she asked her son curiously."... watch reptition of word such as familiar. Story leaves me with many questions, but has an interesting concept.
Kathleen Morris
05/18/06
You know, this little piece has merit. The story is a painful account of loss, and I enjoyed reading it. But... something just kept gnawing at me the whole time.....What if you wrote this story in the first person? Maybe the child's or the mother's point of view. I bet you it would just spring out at you then. Your writing has potential. Try to make your characters come alive. Breath life into them. You can do it! Push yourself because God has blessed you with a wonderful writing gift!
Joanne Malley
05/19/06
I like the fact that you are in beginner's and are using dialog and creating a story. :) Good job bringing heartfelt feelings between the mom and child. Take the suggestions of the others, plus choose stronger grammer and tighter dialog. You do have potential. Reading from the winner's list will help you gain some more knowledge. Keep submitting!
Helen Paynter
05/20/06
You spun a moving story here. Watch your punctuation (you should start a new paragraph for each speaker, for example), which will help tighten it up a little. I, too have unanswered questions, but enjoyed the read a lot. THank you.
Jan Ackerson
05/22/06
There's definitely a lot of potential here. My biggest issue was with Christopher's use of the word "prosperous," which seemed not consistent with his apparent age. A sweet story, though, and told in a very tender manner.
Dr. Sharon Schuetz
05/23/06
I agree with all the previous comments, however, the use of the word "properous" was explained in the writing. The nurse had initially used "prosperous" and the boy repeated incorrectly, as any child his age would. Good story.
Anita Neuman
05/23/06
A very sweet little story! The emotions came across very well.

Watch your point of view - you switched back and forth. The story would be much tighter if the POV was consistent. (Feel free to PM me if you want specific examples or clarification.)

Keep writing and honing! You're headed in the right direction!!!