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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: ANNOYED (04/05/18)
Stan came home from a long day of work at the local paper mill. Tired and exhausted, all he really wanted to do was kick off his boots and put his feet up in his favorite easy chair. “Honey, I’m home!” Stan called as he made his way down the hall towards the kitchen to put his lunch box away. Stopping just short of the kitchen, he could hear his wife Karen talking rather harshly to their daughter Neaveh who was only 5.



Stan and Karen would consider themselves devout Christians. Both getting saved at early ages and basically growing up within their church environments. When they got married and had the discussion of having kids, the one thing they both agreed upon was they would use the name Neaveh if they ever had a girl. Their reasoning for this may be a little off, but they were determined that she would be just like Heaven.



But today was not a “be like Heaven day” for Karen. Being a stay at home mom, she is constantly hammered with questions about the most mundane things. “Mom, can I have a popsicle?” was how the day started for Karen. It didn’t stop there, it was like every 5 seconds Neaveh was asking or doing something that pushed Karen’s buttons.



From “Stop, don’t do that!” to “No, you can’t have a piece of candy for lunch or snack!” Karen thought she was about lose her mind. She thought she was never going to get anything done that she had planned on doing that day. Just as she got started with one task, she had to stop and deal with Neaveh again.



She thought she had some reprieve when Neaveh laid down for a nap, “Finally, some peace and quiet.” She went to use the bathroom without a shadow for the first time that day and couldn’t believe how quiet it was. That contentment was shattered after about 45 seconds when she noticed little fingers sticking out from under the door. Her first thought was “maybe if I’m really quiet she’ll go back to bed.” Then it all started up again, “Mom….mom….mom….mommy….” then the switch was flipped and the floodgates had been opened.



On the other side of the bathroom door was a 5-year little girl, whom she loved more than anything in the world, screaming and crying as loud as she possibly can. Karen was at her wit's end with all the fussing. As much as she wanted a child, she had no idea what it all entailed. And today she was beyond frustrated and annoyed with her child not wanting to behave that day. Right then, before opening the bathroom door to a screaming child, she made a goal to just make it until Stan got home.



Just about the time she was going to lose it with her extremely fussing child that day, she thought she heard the front door open. Neaveh had been whining about wanting another snack even though it was almost dinnertime. Karen turned and began scolding her not realizing that it may have been a little too harsh for just a small child to endure.



Stan had stopped in the hall just before entering the kitchen, hearing his wife scold their daughter about not begging and whining won't get you anything. Then he heard his daughter start to sniffle and he knew that she was about to start crying. He rounded and corner and entered the kitchen where his wife was trying to get dinner finished for them. “There’s my beautiful girls!” Neaveh turned and a huge smile broke out across her face as she rushed into his open arms for a big hug. Stan picked her up and asked her how her day was, “It was a lot of fun……” as she rambled on about what she did that day.



Walking over to Karen, Stan gave her a hug and kiss and asked her the same question. Without missing a beat with dinner making she said, “It’s your turn with your daughter.” “She has been driving me absolutely bonkers today. She’s managed to do or get into everything that would annoy or frustrate me to no end.” “Not my little piece of heaven here,” Stan replied as he gave his daughter another squeeze.



Dinner was finished and they all sat down to eat and talk about the day. Karen finished and said, “I’m going to bed, don’t forget to clean up.”



This work is Fiction.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
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This article has been read 502 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
04/13/18
I could definitely relate to this. My daughter just brought home a newborn and her three-year-old sister can be a bit trying for a tired Mom! Your story made me smile at times, but I also felt the frustration and fear in your characters. You did a nice job of creating a coup, e of conflicts that made me eager to read right through.

I noticed you had a POV shift. At the beginning and end, we could see into the father's head but in middle, it was from Mom's POV. Since the mom seems to be the MC, you could do something like this to avoid the shift:
Karen sighed with relief when she heard Stan open the door and shout, "Honey, I'm home!" She was in the middle of scolding their daughter. "Nevaeh, stop whining about having a snack right now! Mommy said you had to wait for dinner. Knock it off!"
She looked up to see her husband standing over her, frowning, with his arms across his chest. "Karen, remember we are both born-again Christians, and we named her Nevaeh because she's our little piece of heaven. You're too harsh. Remember she's only a five-year-old little girl."

Karen rolled her eyes and spun around. <i>He has no clue what it's like to be stuck at home all day, being hammered with questions. I bet he even gets to pee alone. I haven't done that in years! </i>
Stan just stomped off to the living room, kicked off his shoes, and plopped into his chair. "What's for dinner? I've worked hard all day, and I'm hungry."

By adding dialog, body language and the MC's thoughts, you avoid the POV shift and paint a picture for the reader. I took some liberties to show you what I meant. This introduces the conflict right away. I also added hyphens to words that come together to make one modifier (five-year-old girl, be-like-heaven day, born-again Christian. I also showed everything from Karen's POV by using body language and thoughts.

I think you did an awesome job of writing on topic. I also liked your message. Just because we are Christians doesn't mean we are always at peace with our lives. I think you've got a wonderful foundation started here. I really liked your characters and could relate to them both. Just be mindful of the POV shifts, try to show not tell, and keep writing because you do have wonderful talent. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Christian Belyea
04/13/18
You are a fine writer. You certainly belong in the intermediate, or even in the advanced, category. You stayed on topic, and your imagination for fiction is credible and captivating. Keep up the good work. You are a writer. Remember that! And as a writer, you must write, and re-write, for a story will only get better the more you tweak it. Great job!
Nancy Bucca
04/13/18
I think this is an excellent take on the topic. The story is well-written and the reason for the annoyance is clear. I like the way you wrapped it up at the end. Nice work.
Car Hickman
04/13/18
Well written.
I was somewhat surprised by the ending, at one point i thought Stan had taken sides with daughter.
I was left a little hanging by Stan not having more of a supportive response to wife.
Like if Stan had said; "I heard on the way down the hall it was a hard day for you both." I would have believed it more,and less surprised.
I read it all to the end. it didn't bore me or leave me outside their world.
Larry Whittington
04/15/18
It seemed like the author was speaking from experience or else had a good memory of what it was like being 5 years old.

I enjoyed the well written piece.

I don't know if there could have been a way of showing the mother was using some Christian principles of child rearing that would have brought peace into the scene because the effect the writer wanted to display was being annoyed.
C D Swanson 
04/16/18
Well done!

Blessings~
Dennis Gallemore
04/26/18
I enjoyed this...good job!