Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SEA CHANGE or TREE CHANGE (07/13/17)
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TITLE: Forgive me daughter | Previous Challenge Entry
By Success Olaleye
07/20/17 -
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Mum's eyes met with mine as it dangled with pains. Where have you been? She asked.
'Mum, you can't do this to me. You can't choose to release me at this point'. I walked towards her.
Mum burst into tears, 'Radiance, you know how much I love you, but he's your father and he wants you'.
I leant over her, stroking her blonde hair, Dad has never been there for me, why does he want to take me now. Why now? I said with so much pain.
Because, he has realized his mistakes. Radiance your father loves you.......
Stop it! Stop it mum! I screamed and walked into the room where I share my thoughts with God. I call it my war room - the closet.
I wish I've gotten the magnitude of strength mum has.
Her voice echoed in my head and I could hear it clearly.
'Radiance dear, your father is a lost sheep who would definitely come back home. Like a good shepherd, I must wait in love, to welcome him back. I love your father with the God-kind-of-Love'.
I closed my eyes to get this calm but stentatious voice out but then it re-echoes.
Radiance, love covers multitude of sins.
I opened my eyes and mum was sitting right before me.
'Radiance' she called.
I know what's going on in your head. She pulled me out of my closet and led me back to the sitting place where she had that dreadful discussion with my father.
Earlier that day, while making mushroom soup, which had come to be our favorite food over the years, not because we love it's taste, but because it's about the cheapest ingredient we could lay our hands on, I had heard footsteps, and then a knock at the door.
Mum checked the door, I could pick whose voice it was.
Dad! I gasped. It was hard to believe he came down all the way from New York.
I moved closer to the door that led to the sitting room and hid myself so I could hear their conversation. I peeped through the pinhole.
Marie, my father called my mother by her first name. I know I've not been a good father to Radiance, but now, I want to take up the responsibility.
I wondered what he meant by that statement. Seven years ago, he had sent us (my mother and I) out of his house. Since then, we've been feeding from hand to mouth.
Mum lost her job and we couldn't keep up with the bills.
One evening, mum called me and told me we would be moving to our roots in Asaba. I cringed, Asaba?
Asaba is not a bad place in itself, but, we shouldn't be moving to our countryside when we are left with nothing.
I could sense the pains in her voice as she said, "When the journey becomes unbearable, you either keep going or get back to your roots, retreat and forge ahead"
Radiance, we are going back to Asaba. I can't keep up with the cost of living here any longer.
The thoughts of Asaba brought tears to my eyes that night as I rolled to and fro on my bed.
My father's voice pierced my thoughts. I cleaned my misty eyes and resumed back to my peeping position.
What! My eyes popped out of it's socket.
Why is my father on his knees. I listened with rapt attention.
Marie, I want the best for our daughter. Please, let me take Radiance back to Newyork. So, she can get the best education.
Ehn! Which Radiance? Me? I awaited my mum's reply.
Say no mum! I thought.
'It's alright Peter, I'll talk to her'. Mum stood up. "You may take your leave". She said.
I couldn't bring myself to believe what mum just said. Isn't she supposed to disagree.
Mum, I said releasing myself from my thoughts and then her arms, I'm not going anywhere with dad. He sent us out into the cold, not minding what happened to us.
I was sick for two years after we moved here, yet my father never cared and now he wants me.
What if I had died? Would he send a corpse to the university? I cried.
The door opened and father came in.
He knelt down, 'Forgive me daughter'.
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One thing I'd encourage you to do is to show instead of just tell. For example, I might edit it like this:
Creeping out of my hiding place, I had an overwhelming urge to pick up a rock and chuck it at the man striding down the driveway. Bile tickled the back of my throat as tears plopped down my face. <i>I don't know why Mum can't see what a jerk he is! </i>
I looked up to see Mum watching me. "Where have you been?"
I took some liberties to show how you could show the hate instead of just tell about it. Her thoughts would show up in italics in the proper formatting. Also, make sure you use quotation marks each time someone speaks. (The single ones are fine and more common in the UK than the double ones.)
I think you did a nice job of writing on topic. You introduced the conflict right away and that pulled me in and kept my attention to the very end. The ending left me with a warm feeling. I believe God has great plans for you and your stories. Keep writing.
You did a wonderful job of drawing the reader in. The first sentence was a good hook for me.
You had a lot of technical problems with the piece which are easy to fix. Just take you time and read over it many, many times. Read it out loud to someone. Put it away and come back. Take each sentence by itself and ask yourself, "Does it make sense, is it grammatically correct (Newyork) of course unless there is a place spelled that way and you didn't mean New York, USA.
Check your paragraph spacing and the overall appearance and see if some corrections are needed.
These are technical thing that everyone has to deal with. But, some can be a distraction away from your wonderful thoughts and feelings that you put down.
Great job. God bless.
Well written and could be used to teach love and forgiveness.