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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: CHILDHOOD (03/09/17)
Giorgio leaves before sun up and rides his horse from Ephesus to cousin Edmondo’s house at Miletus, so that he is not seen by the Jews who are opposed to The Way of the Lord.



“Good Morning, cousin Edmondo. Glad you are here today. I traveled by horse back as fast as I could to get here without being seen. We have just become part of The Way of the Lord. The Jews in Ephesus have opposed this teaching of Paul and, also, the Jews know Alicia and I have become part of The Way.”



“Yes, cousin, I know all about The Way. I have met a friend of Paul and his name is Apollos. I have heard him teach. He is very eloquent and he knows the scriptures just like Paul.”



“The reason I am here, Edmondo, is that I need a larger boat to go out further in the Aegean Sea. My small boat can’t handle real deep water where the larger fish swim.”



“Well Giorgio, I have one, but she needs some onerous work. If you could repair her I can give a better price. She is still kind of sailable. She just needs some topside work on the deck. And the sails need repair too.”



“That sounds really good. I know some men who can handle all of that. Where is she so I can see her? “



“She is tied up at the dock. We just need to follow the path over there and down the little hill to the dock”



As they walk down the hill they see the craft called `Brigida’ painted on the stern in big bold letters.



Edmondo says, “I don’t know who or why someone would ever name this boat `Brigida’. You can change her name to whatever you want. As you can see the sails are really torn from the last storm. Also, you can see where the storm damaged the deck. Like I said before, I can give it to you at a good price if you buy her as is. If I have to repair her it will cost a lot more”



Giorgio boards the boat and looks her over very carefully from bow to stern. He considers the fish storage, net storage areas and asses the sails too, because his future and life earnings will depend on this craft, so he must decide on that bases. Giorgio makes the decision to purchase the vessel from Edmondo. They shake hands on the deal.



Giorgio says, “I can have some men come over in a day or two to start work on her, if that is ok?”



“That is fine with me, Giorgio, remember we are cousins. Come up to the house Ester, has the pot on for some tea to seal the deal.”.



As they were on their way up the hill to Edmondo’s house Giorgio asked Edmondo some questions about Apollos.



“Now, Edmondo, I have some questions to ask you about Apollos. You say he is a Jew and he is teaching like Paul.”



“Yes, Giorgio, Apollos is a Jew, like Paul. Apollos was raised in Alexandra, learning the scriptures from childhood to adult in his home and at the Synagogue. This is how he speaks so accurately of the things concerning Jesus. Apollos told me about a meeting he had with, Aquila and Priscilla and they explained The Way of God more accurately to him. About three months ago, Paul had been teaching in the synagogue at Ephesus and some of the Jews there would not believe what Paul was telling them about The Way of the Lord. So, Paul took all who believed to the hall of Tyrannus. I believe that he is there now.”



“Yes, we know Paul is in hall of Tyrannus. This is where we met him. Stefano and Maria took us there to hear him talk about The Way of The Lord. You and Ester must come to Ephesus to see him! That hall is not too far from our house. Thanks for telling me about Apollos. I hope I can get home during the day before I am seen by anyone who is opposed to The Way. They know who I am because the Jews saw Alicia and I talking to Paul. No telling what they will do if they see me.”



Giorgio goes home a longer way home avoiding Synagogues and villages. Arriving home, he tells Maria about the boat he bought.



This is fiction.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
03/17/17

You have a lot of potential for these continuing characters. You may be asked to switch names around so the judges don't recognize you right away. Although, I think this might have been meant for onerous topic, I could see it fitting into childhood because the Christian Church was certainly growing.
My biggest red ink is to paint pictures for your reader. Don't tell but show.
For example: As the sun peeked over the horizon,Giorgio led his horse out of the pen before he finally dared to mount her. He huddled close to the horse to help ease his trembling. <i>Dear God, forgive me. I fear I shiver as much from the cool air as from fear of being caught. I want to believe. Everything I've heard feels like the real thing. </i>

By doing this, not only do I create a conflict before Giorgio meets anyone, but I paint a picture, use body language and thoughts to create tension.
You've got some great facts. I sense a sincere desire to build on this story God has placed on you. It won't be easy and you may get discouraged, but remember the chances Paul took so you can even write what the Spirit places on your heart. Keep at it and read and comment other entries too. It's the best way to learn. Over the break, find an author you admire with similar styles and read and critique at least one story every day. You've been challenged.
Phillip Cimei
03/18/17
It was a nice story. I would have like to have seen more drama and conflict. Start out with a good hook to get the reader interested. "Why should I want to read this", you should ask yourself. Will I want to continue reading it. The ending was a little to subtle for me. As others have mentioned, add some active words and sentences to give it life instead of reading like a newspaper article. Hope this helps. Keep writing and accept all the critiquing you can get. Don't take it personally, but use it to grow. God bless.
Larry Whittington
03/18/17
This was an interesting use of Bible characters and settings to fill in a scene to made the story more readable.

Good creative story making.
Larry Whittington
03/18/17
This was an interesting use of Bible characters and settings to fill in a scene to made the story more readable.

Good creative story making.