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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: PUZZLE (11/24/16)
ALL AS ONE



As Danny follows the stream of worshipers, leaving the sanctuary, He notices Pastor Wiley in the lobby smiling, shaking hands and thanking people for attending. “That was a great service Pastor”, states Danny, as the two men meet, shaking hands. I felt it deep deep down in my soul, “yup“, continues Danny, “God is good, yes he is“. “Really”, replies Pastor Wiley, still holding on to Danny’s hand, so what was the sermon about? Dazed by the question, Danny went blank. He searched to the back of his mind for an answer, but could only hear the sound of crickets. “You know I can see everything from up there”, states the Pastor, snapping Danny back to reality. ”Yes sir”, he replies, embarrassed to be caught.” Then why would you sit in the front rows and play on your phone all through service?” asks the Pastor. “ Honestly Pastor, I don’t pay attention because I feel like I don’t fit in,” answers Danny. “ Everyone is either 20yrs younger than me or 10yrs older than me“. “So.”, “What?” asks the Pastor, ‘you don’t feel important?” “Not important” replies Danny, but at least needed or a part of something. “But you are needed Brother Danny”, states the Pastor, “whether you’re joining in prayer or joining in painting, greeting new members or sitting old ones, you’re needed”. 1 Corinthians 12: 12 says, “ For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ”. “WHAT?” asks Danny. “ Look at it this way” replies the Pastor. “ The body of Christ is like pieces to a puzzle, different shapes, different colors and they have certain positions, but they come together to make the picture whole”. “Now in the body of Christ, we all come together, bringing our own particular talent or piece of the puzzle and we join together as one, making the body of Christ whole, serving GOD. “So, what can I do?” asks Danny. “I don’t know right now”, replies the Pastor. “Call me during the week and we’ll see where your piece of the puzzle fits in Amen”. “Amen” replies Danny
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This article has been read 678 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Holly Westefeld
12/01/16
You have a great message here.
It would help to make use of paragraphs to separate Danny's dialogue from the pastor's.
The Scripture passage you chose is excellent to illustrate the topic.
Virgil Youngblood 
12/02/16
So what was the sermon about? Ouch! There are times when I would not want to be asked that question. Thanks for reminding me that my worship should always please the Lord.
Larry Whittington
12/02/16
A good picture of the church when the whole body works well doing its part.

Some need to be working in the "building" while others may need to be working in the community as light and salt as Jesus described we should be.

This is a good start and writing can be fun and rewarding because of the help it gives to others.

Keep writing.
C D Swanson 
12/02/16
Great job!
Well done.
God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
12/04/16
You have a nice foundation of a story here. Personally, I can't imagine sitting in church using my phone, but my family tells me I'm quite naive. That drew me in right away. I like it when the conflict pops out at me in the beginning.

The one thing I would suggest is to use body language, dialog, and thoughts to develop your characters. Don't forget to start a new paragraph each time a different person speaks and to use proper punctuation. For example, I might suggest a tweak like this: As Danny trudged behind the exodus of parishioners, he spotted Pastor Wiley. Licking his lips, he glanced about, searching for an escape route. Finding none, he quickly reached the minister and shook his hand. Danny felt his face grow hot and refused to look the man in the eyes as he mumbled, "Nice sermon."

Pastor Wiley raised his eyebrows and wrapped both hands around Danny's. "Really, what did you like about it?"

Danny tried to wiggle free, but to no avail. Man, he's stronger than he looks! I wish he'd just accept my compliment and let me go.

I took some liberties to show you ways to paint a picture for the reader. Instead of telling of Danny's state of mind, I tried to show he was embarrassed and a bit anxious with body language and by putting thoughts in italics.

I enjoyed your characters. Your message is a great one and so fitting in today's church. I hope you keep writing, and I'd urge you to read and leave feedback on every entry in the first two levels and a few from levels 3 and 4. I think you have a lot of passion and just need to read, read, read, and write, write, write. I enjoyed this short tale from beginning to end.
Bonnie Bowden 
12/04/16
I felt slightly sorry for the young man. Although, I wouldn't suggest sitting in front if your goal is texting.

Read Shann's suggestions; they are very helpful.

I wrote a poem on the same topic this week.
Jan Ackerson
12/07/16
Many of the suggestions already given here should be very helpful to you. I'll just add that you should also be careful with your tenses. You start out in the present tense (using verbs like 'follows' and 'notices'), but then later, you start to write in the past tense (using verbs like 'went' and 'searched') and then you switch back again. It's best to stick with one tense throughout the whole piece; in this case (straight storytelling mode), past tense would probably be the most effective.
Loni Bowden-Horn 
12/08/16
You have a knack at storytelling that is clear and concise.

The message is needed in the church today. Even if the pastor didn't see the young man, God could.

The suggestions given above will help you better your writing skills.

Keep writing
Bonnie Bowden 
12/08/16
Congratulations, Danny, on placing Highly Commendable in the Beginners category this week.

I think you would have placed higher if your story had definite paragraphs and spacing. Try reading the Editors Choice winners this week.
Judy Ewald
12/08/16
Danny, as another newbie I thought your subject was great on topic. How we all fit in the puzzle of different gift as God's people.
I believe that everyone has given you great suggestions on improving your article.
Congrats on your recognition.