The Official Writing Challenge
BACK TO
CHALLENGE
MAIN
INSTRUCTIONS
how it works
submission rules
guidelines for
choosing a level
ENTRIES
submit your entry
read current entries
read past entries
challenge winners
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.


TRUST JESUS TODAY

  • Share
  • how it works
  • Submit
Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: FUSSY (11/17/16)
Chloe walked as quietly as possible with a sleeping baby through the vestibule; and slid unnoticed into the last pew in church. The worship leader closed the prayer that had allowed Chloe to slip in late, and asked for everyone to please stand in worship. Jax was sleeping soundly in his carryall, so Chloe stood up and sang with her church family.
This was her favorite part of church, lifting her hands and singing out to God. Jax loved to hear Christian music. At times, this was the only thing that would calm the fussy baby and coax him to sleep. Chloe had even bought a Christian CD to keep in her car, and one in her nursery at home for just this reason. Jax was colicky, but Christian music soothed him.
Chloe had tried other genres of music, but nothing worked as well as Christian, so they were spending a lot of time listening to Hillsong and Kari Jobi.
As the time for worship ended, the preacher stood up and began his sermon. Chloe peeked at Jax beneath the carryall cover, but he was still asleep, so she sat back and relaxed. Just as the sermon was getting interesting, it happened. The scream that sounded like she was committing murder. Chloe hurriedly unfastening Jax from his seat and quickly began trying to quiet him. She could see heads turned to them in irritation, but Jax just wasn’t going to cooperate. She would have to take him outside.
It had been months since she had heard a sermon, months since she had been filled with the word. At this point in her life she needed to hear the word just to make it from one day to the next. Bill, her husband was deployed overseas and would not be home for a year or more. Why couldn’t Jax just allow her to sit in church for one day!? Why couldn’t her church provide a nursery for fussy babies the way other churches did?
At this point, standing outside attempting to quiet the child and feeling isolated and alone, the door to the church opened and an older lady stepped outside.
Can I hold him for a moment dear? Asked the lady. As Chloe handed Jax to the lady, he quieted and began to coo. “I remember when my Alice was this little, my husband couldn’t come to church with me either”, she said quietly.” Wont you come back in and sit with me? I would love to help you with this little angel during the service!”
I stared at this sweet little lady and wondered how she could know about my husband, but I felt deep inside that I had made a new friend. We walked back in together and sat in her pew. Many years have gone by and Doris, the sweet lady that kept me in church went to be with the Lord. Now it is my turn to help the young mothers in church, my turn to show Jesus to others in the simplest way.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE

JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
This article has been read 642 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Bonnie Bowden 
11/25/16
What a heartwarming story. I'm glad someone stepped up to help this young mother out.

Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
Larry Whittington
11/25/16
This is a nice written story that many mothers of small churches could relate to.

The teaching example is seen in the older lady taking the time to offer help she recognized as her gift. When each person uses their gift in a congregation, the congregation or body grows.

A congregation can grow or diminish depending on each persons use of their God given gifts.
Sylvia Young
11/28/16
I can see the woman and feel her frustration. I was also annoyed with the others who weren't sympathetic. A good story makes readers feel things.
Red ink: review commas, semi-colons and dialogue structure.
Grateful for sweet old ladies!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
11/30/16
What a darling story that any mom can relate to. I remember those days well and felt instant empathy for the mom.

Your opening was good and drew me in right away, but I might edit just a bit differently to paint more of a picture. For example:
Chloe cradled the baby's carrier, tiptoed through the vestibule,and slid into the last pew. This example also fixes the very subtle POV shift (She has no way of knowing if others are noticing her because it calls for her to be in their minds. They might notice, but not turn. It's a silly thing, but something that can make a huge difference.), tightens the sentence, and fixes the comma error. The other thing I might suggest will also tighten the story. You mentioned that the baby only likes Christian music a few times. You really only need to do it once.

The ending is super sweet and a great reminder. Unfortunately, many churches are filled with judgmental people. I think a baby's cry in church is a blessing. Sure it can be distracting, but it also sets an example for all that church is important, and having a baby is not an excuse not to attend. Your message about being charitable is great too. I also think you nailed the topic. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more of your work.
Bonnie Bowden 
12/01/16
Congratulations, Cheryl, on winning 2nd place in the Beginners category.

I can appreciate how difficult it must be for a new mom to be able to enjoy the worship experience.