The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
You have some very interesting ideas here, and there are some really nice phrasings to help to portray those ideas.

2 things make this a little cluttered: space your paragraphs, as this will make it easier on the eye. There are a lot of entries in beginners to read, and any writer is trying to entice the reader in so that your point can be made.

You are also trying to say a great deal in a short space: try to pare down the number of words so that what is being read feels less cluttered.

You have a very interesting pov, and I see much potential in your style. So good luck and keep writing. God bless.