Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Escape (01/02/06)
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TITLE: The Cross | Previous Challenge Entry
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01/07/06 -
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He rode upon a donkey through the people praising him. They were yelling things like ‘The Messiah is here!’ Jesus had looked into my eyes like he knew me. I ran away from him. He was freaky, but I wouldn’t have ran if I knew what was going to happen. 3 days later news came round that Jesus would be killed on Friday on a cross. Just thinking of the word “cross” made me shudder. Two days before Jesus would be killed we found a big crowd and started looking for wallets. We wre going to eat well tonight.
Suddenly a deep voice came from behind us. “Get them!” It was the captain of the guards! We ran through the crowd like a speeding arrow. But the guards were faster. We decided to take the normal escape route. We zoomed round the corner. More guards! We were cornered.
We were arrested and taken before Pilate and nailed on a cross two days later. To my surprise Jesus was on a cross in between me and Ben. I had made up my mind. I looked at Jesus and said “Take me to heaven with you”. My brother looked at me like I was stupid. Jesus answered me. “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” Then my life on earth came to an end.
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But I'd really like to read a longer version of this, with more development of the characters of Ben and his brother. You have a nice start here.
The story is a good one and with a little more description and elaboration, it will become great! Keep writing !
The story did seem a bit rushed. There would have been some prison time before the crucifixion of the thieves when they would have had time to contemplate their fate. Maybe the narrator looked into Jesus' eyes while on the cross and saw compassion for him instead of agony and came to his decision. Just a suggestion.
I agree with Jan and Dara about keeping all things in the story compatible with that time period. A wallet would be an anachronism.
May your day be blessed, and may you continue to Glorify HIM.
You know something weird. In Chinese (yeah, I know this was Israel, not China) the word 'ben' means 'stupid'. So in the story, your brother Ben looked at you like you were stupid for asking Jesus to save you ... but really, he was the stupid one, wasn't he!
Well done! Keep writing often.