Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: FIZZLE (06/09/16)
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TITLE: Fickle | Previous Challenge Entry
By GiGi Mezzio
06/15/16 -
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Sarah was running late for work again and it was only Tuesday. She stared at her reflection in the steamy bathroom mirror, mascara wand in hand. Hurriedly, she wiped off a spot with her hand and peered closer. Frowning, she carefully combed her crimson bangs over the ugly two-inch scar on her forehead, a reminder of a past incident that haunted her, before applying the second coat of Maybelline. She hated that scar and kept it safely hidden from others, as well as herself.
Sarah quickly finished dressing, grabbed her designer bag that had been carelessly tossed on the rumpled, unmade bed and sprinted to the kitchen to grab her lunch and keys, as she headed out the door.
She dreaded the long, early morning drive to her workplace almost as much as she dreaded waking up each morning to face another day. She often regretted taking the job an hour away from her home in Orlando, although it seemed like a good idea at the time. The pay was good and she liked being one of the only mental health clinicians in the quaint and historic town of Mt. Dora. Although she had enjoyed her previous job in the beginning, she had soon felt unsatisfied there and needed to move on.
Sarah slapped her client’s folder down onto her desk, lay her head down on the cool, metal surface and groaned. How was she going to help this woman who was clearly in denial and seemed to be playing games with her—-when she even bothered to show up for her appointment?
“After a year, this job has become just another job. I’ve been in the workforce now for ten years and have held nearly as many jobs,” she ruminated. “What’s wrong with me?” She sensed this position that had initially been exciting and interesting would soon fizzle out like all the others. Jobs and relationships never lasted long. When the thrill was gone, she moved on to the next.
“Was she incapable of making a long-term commitment? Of finding anything worth holding on to? Would she always be chasing the next accomplishment?” Sarah believed that if she could only find the right one she would be happy, but this endless search for fulfillment had only led to shattered dreams and despair.
Sarah cried out to God and asked for His help in overcoming the fickle feelings that had hindered her for so long. She cried out for deliverance from the frustration and insecurities that she, with all of her professional knowledge, could not fix.
Jesus showed her His scars and revealed her own in a new way, no longer as something she must hide. He explained that scars are proof that there is healing. Jesus was wounded, bruised and bears scars on His hands so that we could have hope and a future. (Prov 23:18 / Isaiah 53:5) NIV
“He said to her, Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” (Mark 5:34) NIV
Instead of remembering the wounding, she now saw the healing.
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I have taken the liberty of tweaking the first two paragraphs, just to present some alternate ways you might have consolidated information and descriptions. I left the last sentence in the first paragraph off, because I felt that you had already covered her aversion to her scar.
Sarah glanced at the clock on the vanity, staring at her reflection in the steamy bathroom mirror, mascara wand in hand. Late for work again, and it was only Tuesday. Hurriedly, she wiped off a spot with her hand and peered closer. Frowning, she carefully combed her crimson bangs over the jagged two-inch scar on her forehead, a haunting reminder of a past incident, before applying the second coat of Maybelline.
Sarah quickly finished dressing, fished her designer bag from amongst the rumpled covers on her bed and sprinted to the kitchen to grab her lunch and keys, as she raced out the door.
She dreaded the long, early morning drive to her workplace almost as much as she dreaded waking up each morning to face another day. Taking the job an hour away from her home in Orlando had seemed like a good idea a year ago. The pay was good and she liked being one of the only mental health clinicians in the quaint and historic town of Mt. Dora. But perhaps it was time to update her resume, again.
And this is just another concept of what the ending might have looked like with more showing than telling.
Sarah removed her compact from her bag, opened it, and set it on the desk in front of her. She eased the bangs to either side, imagining "compassion" filling the pale streak in beautiful calligraphy. She reached back in to the bag for two small barrettes.
Remember, this is just one person's opinion. I do not go in to this much detail unless I already see good work. You have many excellent, evocative word choices, and draw the reader to care about your MC. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
My main red ink would be you started with a passive line. Using an active one will help paint a picture for the reader. For example: Groaning, Sarah looked into the mirror. Tears spilled over, smearing her mascara. I'm late for work, yet, I'm obsessing over the way I look. How am I ever going to succeed at helping others if I'm hung up on this stupid scar? She threw the mascara tube into the sink, grabbed her sweater, and scurried to her car.
This is a really fast example of how using active lines, internal dialog (they are in italics instead of quotation marks by using this code without spaces: < i > at the beginning and < /i > at the end of the part to be italicized), and body language can paint a picture for the reader. It's not perfect, but I hope it helps show you what I mean.
You have a nice message here. I'm sure many can relate to not feeling content with life, yet not quite knowing why. I also liked the scar equation. Jesus came as a human so he would know what it feels like. He truly understands everything that troubles us from what may seem insignificant to the huge things. If it's important to us, it's important to him. Nice job and good message.
Though you are well within the word limit - with over 200 left to you - I feel you have cramped your details of MC's revelation and the healing she gained. To fill out this part of your story would draw your readers along with you.
But overall, very good work.
The last line in the first paragraph is unnecessary. Holly had some good insight on how to rewrite it.
I think you show a real gift of building strong characters, and I hope you continue to write.
Good message too!
Blessings
Blessings~
I think you have a great chance of moving up if you learn to develop your story. What has helped me is to read other peoples work each week, especially the Editors Choice winners.