Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: ZENITH (04/21/16)
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TITLE: The Bend | Previous Challenge Entry
By Don Buschert
04/27/16 -
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"You should slow down Ray" I say. "It's only ninety here."
The handsome man at the wheel smirks. He makes a wiggling motion with his nose, pushing those dark sunglasses up slightly.
"If I followed all the rules, do you think I'd get where I am?"
"No," I reply. "You always liked being first."
There is light jazz playing in the background. The scenery speeding past is breathtaking. Leaves on the trees are starting to bud, life is appearing in the grasses and the bushes; the excitement of spring is in the air.
"You've forgotten where you came from," I say, breaking the silence. "You believed once. You felt His love, touched His power. Yet you turned away. Why?"
"I've little use for God," he replies. "Religion is for the weak. The old. Those who need a crutch. It's a dopamine to get their small minds through life."
"You had a high purpose," I assert. "A high call. A great destiny. And yet you settle for fleeting earthly riches."
"I am at the top of my game. The result of my savvy. My hard work. My ideas. My incessant drive to get ahead. It is the strong who survive, those who best adapt to change, are those who avoid extinction." I watch a condescending leer break over his face. "And I'm no dinosaur," he says with a sardonic grin. "I don't need help."
We drive quietly. Up ahead, hidden behind the next bend, a long semi-trailer truck has pulled over. Mechanical trouble. Ray doesn't know this, of course. It's all part of his pre-ordained appointment.
“Yes Ray, you achieved the pinnacle of success. You never failed at anything. Always managed to come out on top. Gained the whole world, didn’t you?”
Ray, sensing where I was going, swiftly cut me off. "There is no God," he bluntly says.
"Fool! Soon your life will be taken from you." He doesn't hear me.
We approach the bend. “Goodbye Ray,” I say forlornly. My hands push down on the plush leather passenger’s seat, sending me springing skyward, still closely following the speeding Ferrari below.
Ray makes the sharp turn, and to his horror sees the parked semi. Swiftly gripping the wheel, he franticly swerves to miss the trailer’s rear end. The ingeniously engineered vehicle responds in kind, but Ray falls short, as he clips the side of the parked trailer, sending the Ferrari into a spin. The vehicle careens across the highway, crashing into a concrete embankment. Then it ricochets, smashing into the opposite embankment. The Ferrari, still speeding, still with great momentum, continues spinning around down the middle of the highway, shooting sharp shards of glass, plastic and metal spiralling out in all directions. The vehicle comes to a slow stop in the middle of the road.
I float back down, down into the passenger’s seat, which amazingly enough is wholly intact. Ray’s body is twisted and mangled. Crushed. Blood is filling his gasping lungs. Coughing, sputtering and gagging, he sees me now.
“Help me,” he stammers, as blood gushes out of his mouth, trickling down his neck. I am silent.
Ray’s eyes are wide open now. The life is draining out of his body. He convulses. He twitches, frantically gasping for air that cannot reach him. I sit and watch. I can do nothing.
Ray’s spirit drops down from his dying body. I turn my head away as he screams in terror, now fully realizing his dreadful fate. His spirit is slowly pulled downward into the earth, down into a Christless eternity. Ray’s agonizing, terrifying cries echo in my ears. The perishing screams of the lost are too unbearable for me. I cover my ears and shut tight my eyes, waiting for it to stop.
We angels are amazed at the prodigious ability of humans to swiftly climb towards success, to accomplish great earthly feats in such a fugacious time. There is no end to what they can build, what they can accomplish, all the while blatantly flouting their Creator – becoming fools, clinging to and worshiping created things. We are equally dumbfounded at how expeditiously, in a single moment, their lives are snuffed out, and how heedlessly impervious they are to their fate.
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Blessings~
An posh Italian ... should read A posh Italian ... Use a before consonant sounds and an before vowel sounds.
You could delete the phrase: Spring is in the air. (You already showed us the season in the two sentences before).
Try not to start your sentences with There; instead, just use the active tense. Light jazz plays (played) in the background.
I noticed you switched before the present and past tense throughout. Choose one tense and stick with it.
This story was very well done and the read ink is only meant to show you how to tighten it up and make the piece better.
I could see the angel's hands pushing into the posh leather seat giving it a boost upwards and the crash had supreme reality. Write on!