Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: MAIL (02/18/16)
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TITLE: A New Chapter | Previous Challenge Entry
By Kathy Smail
02/24/16 -
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She dropped the envelope on the kitchen bench finding herself too scared to actually open the envelope that was likely the decision that would change her life for ever. She wasn’t even sure that she wanted to open it.
She decided that nothing was going to change if she waited to open it so she started tea instead.
Tea was almost ready when the back door slammed and a flash of red hair flew down the passage.
“Smells pretty awesome, Pen” Cara called over her shoulder, “What’s for tea?”
“Honey Mustard Chick- ”
“and rice?”
“Yes, and jasmine rice.”
“Uh oh, is that it?” Cara appeared in the kitchen and shuffled through the mail.
“I think so, they said that it would come today but I’ve been too scared to pick it up.”
“Don’t be scared Penny, everything will be alright”
“You sound pretty sure for someone who’s ‘not’ going to live on the other side of the world!”
“It’s hardly the other side of the world, it’s only Samoa.”
“Yes but it’s like the other side of the world. Electricity is a challenge and the houses have no walls! I don’t know if I can do this? We’ve only ever lived in Australia with an abundance of money, resources and electricity. What if I can’t Skype you when I need to?
“Look Penny, you’re doing an amazing thing. The kids will love you and you’ll get used to living in another environment. It’s only for a year.”
“But what if I decide it’s all too much? What if I can’t stand the humidity? I’m doomed aren’t I?”
“No, you’re not. C’mon lets dish up and talk it through”
Penny sighed. She had been so sure but now that the letter had arrived, it was suddenly scary. What if I can’t do it?”
“That’s rubbish, lets pray. Father God, thank you for this meal and everything that you provide for us. Thank you for your care for us and protection through wherever you send us. Amen.”
“Thanks Cara. I can’t believe that I’m so scared. Do you think I’ve made the wrong decision?”
Cara took a mouthful and swallowed before answering. “Penny, I know you. I know how amazing you are. I know that this is an opportunity for you to do what you’ve always wanted to do- make a difference!”
“Maybe I could make a difference here? This is too big. I’m going to pull out. I can’t do it. I’m such an idiot. What made me think that I could do this? People will be disappointed in me.”
“Penny. This ‘is’ what you wanted- to be a teacher in a country where you could educate kids’ brains and tell them about Jesus at the same time. This is a perfect opportunity for you. No one will be disappointed in you. But if this is truly the wrong thing, they’ll understand.
“I know…It is right. I’m going to go. I’m just scared.”
The girls ate in silence until Cara jumped up. “Wait a minute. We don’t even know if this is the right envelope yet.”
“Cara, you open it.”
Penny waited.
Cara walked over and hugged Penny’s shoulders. “It’s not it. “
Penny promptly burst into tears.
Hey Penny, look at it this way. At least you’ll know what your decision will be when it arrives tomorrow.”
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You had a few punctuation errors.
My only red ink is your beginning. First, the opening line seems like a thought so it should be italicized. I also was a bit confused at first because of the order and phrasing. I thought as a cockroach...was the beginning of a simile. (the mail lid dropped as (or like) a cockroach). Instead, I might edit it like this: Stepping toward the mailbox, Penny fanned her face furiously as she flapped her hands up and down. Could today be the day? A cockroach crawled out from underneath the mail, she shrieked and dropped the letter box lid. Clang!
By using body language and internal dialog, I tried to paint a mental picture and a bit of humor. Make sure you order things correctly. She wouldn't shriek until after the cockroach crawls out, so I switched the order a bit.
You did an excellent job of pulling me in. I truly enjoyed every word and you nailed the topic. This is one of my favorites thus far. You definitely have a gift. Your timing and sense of humor really brightened my day.
Cockroaches, Yuck!
Congratulations on your level win~ Write on.