Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: CHILL (10/29/15)
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TITLE: JUST CHILL | Previous Challenge Entry
By Rhonda Skillings
11/05/15 -
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Nina & Zoey turned to look at the waiter carrying a huge serving tray above his head and flexing his muscles for the young women to enjoy.
“Impressive,” said Nina, “You always have a good eye, Dana.”
Dana smiled, still mesmerized by the ripped waiter. When she was finally able to tear her attention away from his bulging biceps, she noticed that Zoey was staring down at the floor. “Are you okay, Zoey?”
Zoey looked up, blinking back the tears that were starting to develop. “Mitch doesn’t find me attractive anymore.”
“What?” asked Dana & Nina in unison.
“That’s crazy!” said Nina.
“What happened?” asked Dana.
Zoey rubbed the corner of her eye and said, “I had bought some new jeans and last night I put them on and paraded in front of Mitch. He always notices when I get new jeans and pours on the compliments so much that it’s usually embarrassing. Last night he only commented when I hinted that I had been shopping and made a new purchase that I thought he would like.”
“What did he say?” asked Nina.
“That’s nice.”
Both Dana & Nina cringed at his comment.
“See,” said Zoey, sniffling.
“I’m sorry,” said Nina, “Maybe he was just really tired and too zoned out to notice anything.
“He seemed to be plenty interested in the football game,” replied Zoey.
“Men and their sports,” said Dana shaking her head.
“Today when I entered the lunchroom at work, everyone stopped talking and wouldn’t make eye contact with me,” said Nina.
“Did you have a fight or problem with someone?” asked Dana.
“No. I wonder if they are mad at me for getting the new account.”
“Has anyone said that to you?” asked Zoey.
“No, but maybe they don’t like the new girl getting something that they felt one of them should get.”
The three girls sat quietly for a few minutes before Dana said, “I’m thinking about telling my sister that I can’t come visit this weekend.”
“Did something come up at work?” asked Nina.
Dana shook her head. “You know how my sister & see things so differently.”
“Didn’t she say she had something great to tell you?” asked Nina.
“Yeah, but if I don’t respond the way she thinks I should then she might get mad, and then I would spend hours trying to make it up to her, and then we could end up in a huge fight, and I might end up ruining the good thing she wants to tell me about.”
Nina nodded sympathetically at Dana, but Zoey was looking down at her lap again.
“Zoey, is there something else wrong?”
Dana & Nina watched Zoey begin to shake as she continued to look at her lap and were really confused when she started to laugh.
Nina shot a “Is she okay?” glance to Dana before Zoey said, “Listen to the 3 of us!”
“Huh?” said Nina.
Zoey stopped her laughing and said, “I need to apologize. I am the one who got this whole worrying-thing going. We each are creating problems for ourselves, when there may not be any problems at all! Mitch was really focused on watching his favorite team last night & I should have just told him I got new jeans, rather than cause my own hurt feelings.”
Dana smiled and said, “And I should be excited to see my sister and hear her good news, not worry about the possibility of a fight that probably won’t happen since my sister has stopped drinking.”
“That is such an answered prayer,” said Zoey.
“It sure is and I thank you both for praying for her for all these years,” replied Dana.
“We were happy to,” said Nina. “Zoey, you are right. I shouldn’t worry about a little quietness at work when they could have been talking about something very personal. The ladies have always treated me nice & even though it was awkward, I have no reason to think they were talking bad about me.”
“How could anyone say mean things about you, sweet wonderful Nina?” said Zoey, smiling at her friend.
“Amen,” said Dana, “and Zoey, thanks for starting all this drama to remind us not to sweat the small stuff and to Chill!”
And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Luke 12:25-26
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When you publish something online, you'll want to put double spaces between paragraphs for easier reading. (Sometimes, you'll have put those spaces in but they disappear, so always hit preview before submit so you can fix things like that.) One thing that might help the reader follow who is speaking while creating a picture for your reader is to use narrative lines instead of taglines like she said. For example, by adding body language like this, you'll be showing personalities and emotional states: Giggling, Dana tilted her head and pointed across the restaurant.“Check out the guns on that guy.”
I changed the dialog a bit because she pointed so she wouldn't need to say at seven o'clock. Also, I was picturing real guns at first so it confused me and made me stop and reread it. Little things like that (along with writing out numbers at least to ten, some say to a hundred, and writing out and instead of using an ampersand) will pull your reader in more.
I think you definitely have a natural gift for storytelling. Your dialog felt real as did the situations. You also did a nice job of coming full circle by having the problem-maker become the problem-solver. You have a clear, important message without coming off as too preachy. I also liked your take on the topic. I really enjoyed this story.
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