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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: CHILL (10/29/15)
A Fragmented Existence

He walked out the door. I could hear the grief-stricken screen door slam behind me. I am still, as hunted prey. Don’t move and maybe he will not notice you; I say to myself. My body sits quietly. I am as small as I can be. I hear the sound of bitter words exuding from a mighty tongue with limited words. Why are you in my way? He is so angry he seems exasperated. My body is taut as a rope stretched. I can hardly speak. If I don’t, I’m not sure what will become of my small portrait. My mind is churning in prayer! My heart is aching! I cry out gingerly. I say: Sorry dad.

In disgust my father draws his foot back; I can hear the power and force in which he is exerting. My ears have now become my eyes. I cannot look fear in the face. My father releases his inner hate for himself! I flourish on the ground as if I am looking for escape; an escape not to be found on the earth. He yells; next time move out of my way! As he walks away; I glance up to see the image of a maze that my mind cannot negotiate. There is no negotiation with an adult mind consumed with fragments of bitterness, anger, and regrets from birth.

All I have are fragments. I see them all around me. There are too many to consume. How can I pick up all the pieces? One cannot connect fragments of a cold heart with those of a whole warm pulsating heart. My warmth relies not on my father, but my innate gift of God’s presence. When will that warmth scorch the cold heart that lies in wait? When will my warmth surge through the hardened veins that pierce my heart? Or will my heart break from the fragmentation of a broken spirit?
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This article has been read 543 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Larry Whittington
11/06/15
The emotion and energy is powerful

The placement of the words "grief stricken" seems to be describing the screen door rather than the person.

At first reading, I thought the portrait was a picture. Later, I took it as the persons face.

With more time, this could be worked into a descriptive story of an angry father and helpless child.
Douglas Eckert
11/06/15
Nice imagery, it really "sticks "with the reader I think. Interesting descriptiin of the torture of abuse. Well done.
The opening sentence leftt me a little confused about the perspective ,the pronouns especially I think could be cleard up a little.
I really liked the esoteric imagery.
Remember, God does some of his best work through the broken hearted check out psalm 51:17 or psalm34:18.
Jody Day
11/10/15
Scary and powerful! Screen doors can't be grief stricken, but I know what you meant. I was on edge the whole time I was reading this. Good job.
Donna Powers
11/10/15
This story conveys some powerful emotions. It definitely awakened the "Mama Bear" within me for the subject of the story. Thanks for sharing this story.
Loni Bowden-Horn 
11/10/15
Powerful emotions were
portrayed in this story. Phrases such as, "I am small as I can be" and "releases his inner hate for himself." sent chills down my spine. It gave a vivid description of how you felt.

I believe you nailed the topic. There were a few structural issues in your opening that have already been addressed.

I hope and pray that this story is not true. This amount of pain and anguish would be very traumatic and leave deep scars.

It sounds as if you rely on God for your comfort.

Thanks for sharing such a difficult story.