Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: FOLD (10/08/15)
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TITLE: A Life-Changing Left Turn | Previous Challenge Entry
By Michol Ludwig
10/15/15 -
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“Can I get you another beer Nick?” the server asks.
“Make it a Three Wise Men,” he suggests.
“Oh, need a little courage from your friends Jim, Jack, and Johnnie, huh?” the server muses.
“Hardly!” Nick responds.
With sweaty palms and racing hearts, both Nick and Marcie bet. Ashley, the dealer, reveals the turn card- an ace of clubs. Easy man, there is still one more chance- Nick attempts to calm himself.
“You waiting for the river to give me the winning card, Ash?” Nick winks.
“In your dreams,” Ashley retorts.
Tension mounts as Nick tosses in his bet.
“Here’s your courage sweet thing,” says the server as Nick takes the shot from her.
Heart jumping out of his chest, Nick waits to see Marcie’s move.
He can’t have a better hand than me, Marcie thinks confidently as she raises.
She’s gotta be bluffing, hoping I will fold.
Nick downs his shot as Ashley reveals the river card- the ten of hearts! Nick nearly chokes. Sweet Jesus, I’ve got this!
“Yes!” Marcie can’t believe her luck.
“Getting interesting,” Ashley says.
Nick hesitates briefly, and then pushes his remaining chips to the center of the table- all eight grand worth. I’ve got her now, he gloats.
All eyes are on Marcie as she stares at Nick.
“It’s up to you,” Ashley says to her.
The room is dead quiet. Marcie looks dejected and starts to lower her cards to the table but goes all in instead.
“There’s no fricking way!” Nick spouts.
As everyone holds their breath, first Nick and then Marcie reveal their cards. Nick swallows hard, his throat burning. With a huge smile, he lays down his cards, and then Marcie reveals hers- the ace and king of hearts!
“Holy crap!” someone says. “She’s got a royal flush.” Nick's smile fades.
“Sorry about your luck Nick,” Marcie declares as she rakes in the chips.
******
Nick enters the bedroom, “What are you doing?” he asks.
“What does it look like I am doing?” Katie shouts as she angrily stuffs his clothes into a suitcase and then throws some papers at him. “We’re losing our house because of you. You weren’t thinking about your family when you were sitting in that casino, were you?”
“Babe, I swear, I have learned my lesson. Please, I can’t lose my house and my family too.”
“It’s too late,” Katie sobs.
Nick reaches out to touch her but she turns her back on him.
******
Paul’s cell phone rings. “Hey little bro, what’s up?”
“Katie kicked me out; can I crash at your place?”
“She found out about your gambling didn’t she?”
“Yeah,” Nick replied.
******
Nick is half way out Paul’s front door when he exclaims, “I’m feeling lucky. Something good is going to happen today!”
“You’re never going to learn are you?” Paul asks. “You have lost your family and your house. If you’re not careful, your life will be next.”
“Oh, lighten up bro,” Nick scoffs as he heads toward his SUV.
Despite his last words to his brother, Nick can’t help but reflect on what Paul said to him as he makes the hour drive to the casino. Does he know I just borrowed money from a loan shark, Nick wonders. The closer he gets, the more unsettled he becomes. I just want my house and my family back.
Nick sees the casino in the distance but he is at a stop behind a couple of cars that are waiting to make a left-hand turn. Something hits him deep in his gut. Without planning it, he turns with them.
******
Nick finds himself listening to a sermon about forgiveness. As the closing song plays, the pastor makes an alter call; tears well in Nick’s eyes as he makes his way forward. Kneeling at the altar, he cries, “Forgive me Jesus…” He startles when a hand touches his shoulder. Turning, he looks into another tear stained face.
“Katie?”
Kneeling, she embraces her husband saying, “You’ve found the power to fold ‘em.”
Fiction
Reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z86Pkd-RMbQ
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I'm glad he took a left turn at the right time in his life.
But those truly accepting Jesus as "Lord" will willingly and immediately begin to obey his commands.
I noticed a couple of tiny things you might want to tweak for other stories. Instead of using taglines like he asked or she suggests, use those spots to use body language. For example: "There’s no fricking way!” Nick pounds his fist on the table.
It still shows who is speaking, and it greats a mental picture for the reader. To be honest, when I read Nick spouts, I pictured a giant whale playing poker. Humorous maybe, but probably not the picture you would want for your reader. Generally, experts will suggest you stick with typical taglines like he asked or she said. Often people will use he laughed, but it's difficult to laugh and talk simultaneously. Speaking of simultaneously, you had a couple of minor POV shifts. I struggled with this concept for a while. Since Nick is the MC, the reader can only know his thoughts, actions, or viewpoint. You went into another character's head by saying that Marcie thinks he can't have a better hand.
I noticed a couple of tiny things you might want to tweak for other stories. Instead of using taglines like he asked or she suggests, use those spots for body language. For example: "There’s no fricking way!” Nick pounds his fist on the table.
It still shows who is speaking, and it greats a mental picture for the reader. To be honest, when I read Nick spouts, I pictured a giant whale playing poker. Humorous maybe, but probably not the picture you would want for your reader. Generally, experts will suggest you stick with typical taglines like he asked or she said. Often people will use he laughed, but it's difficult to laugh and talk simultaneously. Speaking of simultaneously, you had a couple of minor POV shifts. I struggled with this concept for a while too. Since Nick is the MC, the reader can only know his thoughts, actions, or viewpoint. You went into another character's head by saying that Marcie thinks he can't have a better hand. Since she has a poker face it would be hard to see it, but an example of avoiding the shift would be to do something like: Nick studies Marcie's face. She just tried to hide a smile, I bet she thinks her hand is better than mine! Tah, I'll show her.
There are some ways to do POV shifts, especially in longer pieces, one might have chapter one be through Nick's eyes and the next through another person's eyes. Jan's Writing Basics on the forums has some great lessons about both of these things, and one of the perks of upgrading to a paying membership is you receive a free ebook from a fellow FW, called Bring Your Writing to Life. Amy Wiley does a great job explaining POV shifts in this book.
I really enjoyed your story. The pacing was great and your message clear and powerful. It's not easy to write in the present tense, but I think you did a good job of it, and it added another dimension to your writing. Congratulations on ranking 7th in level 1. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.