Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: STAND UP FOR JESUS (don't write about the song) (04/09/15)
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TITLE: Stand Up for Truth | Previous Challenge Entry
By Dawn Winston
04/16/15 -
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When Jesus is slandered or hated or mocked, like the photo by artist Andres Serrano who received more than $15,000 from the taxpayer-funded National Endowment for the Arts of a plastic crucifix in his urine. Who said “At the time I made Piss Christ, I wasn't trying to get anything across, in hindsight, I'd say Piss Christ is a reflection of my work, not only as an artist, but as a Christian. it alludes to a perceived commercializing or cheapening of Christian icons in contemporary culture" When the piece was shown in 2011, it was vandalized "beyond repair" by a group of Christian fundamentalists armed with hammers. You stand up for truth.
When TV animator and movie maker Seth McFarlan proudly proclaims himself to not be an atheist but an anti theist, stand up for truth.
When Steven J Hawkins announces there scientifically there is no possibility that there can be a God, pray and learn the facts, fight and stand up for truth.
When fellow Christians are slaughtered in the Mideast genocide by ISIS, stand up for truth.
Wealthy suburbs’ restaurant workers at my son’s work sleep around rampantly and ferociously, married or not and do coke, and shrug that it happens everywhere, stand up for truth.
When the sweetest girl invites you to her wedding to her girlfriend, stand up for truth.
Jesus is the way and the truth and the life. Stand up proudly, fearlessly, courageously for Him.
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The subject of your first paragraph was well-chosen for its shock value, and thus it would have a tendency to draw the reader in. However, this paragraph is wordy, even clumsy in parts, and thus its effectiveness is lessened. I'd recommend that this paragraph be re-worked if you're going to submit this anywhere for publication. You might want to shorten it a bit so that it's more nearly parallel to your other paragraphs. If you don't want to shorten it, then at least make it less clunky.
You should also double-check spelling of proper names: MacFarlane, Hawking. There are a few additional awkward or incomplete sentences.
The ideas you have here are very good; the intent is to appeal to a believer's sense of outrage and to inspire Christians to take a stand. You've achieved that--with a bit of polish, your message will shine more clearly.
I also think some of the sentences could be tightened and smoothed out. For example, your opening line isn't a complete sentence. You have the when Jesus is slandered, but not the what happens when he is. You could fix it with something like this: When I hear Jesus is slandered, hated, or mocked, I want to shout to the world. "It's time to stand up for the truth!" Andres Serrano received more than $15,000 from the taxpayer-funded, National Endowment for the Arts, for his photo of a plastic crucifix submerged in a glass of his urine.
I hope that shows you what I mean about tightening and smoothing. It may not be the exact way you'd want to write it, but I think seeing an example can sometimes help me understand in a different way.
Your opening captured my attention and made me want to read on. I also think you did a great job of using repetition, which is not always easy to do. Your ending is great and really captures your message. You did a nice job.