Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: LOVE (agape and/or phileo) (03/12/15)
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TITLE: The Fisherman's Wisdom | Previous Challenge Entry
By Hannah Gaudette
03/16/15 -
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The summer breezes danced and whispered as they fluttered like butterflies through the pine trees, over the grassland, across the cornfield, coming at last upon their destination: a simple pond. They nestled in the trees and called blissfully to the young boy and old man walking down the dirt road. The pond was a quiet, simple place where time seemed to stand still. The fishing was good, but most of all, it was a place of peace.
The young boy I previously mentioned was named Logan Turner. He was a good boy; curious and friendly. He was four-years-old, going on five next month. His hair was brown like his mother's, and his eyes blue like his father's. The one summer activity he enjoyed more then anything in the world (even more then mint ice-cream with a cherry on top) was fishing with his grandfather.
His grandfather was the old man I previously mentioned. He was almost eighty years older then his grandson and his face showed it. His wrinkles sat below his white hair and wire-rimmed glasses. He liked to say his wrinkles were caused by too much laughing in his younger years. He was a wonderful, wise old man with a heart for God and a love for his grandson – and fishing, of course.
Logan sat on an old log, his Grandfather on a rock. By now, Logan was learning how to bait his own hook, but he hated worms. So, as always, Grandfather showed him carefully and with immense detail how to put the worm on and cast the line. Then Logan promised to do it himself next time and Grandfather just laughed, knowing he would ask for help again.
A long while passed without a single bite for either fisherman. Logan was very quiet, obviously in deep thought.
“Pop, what is love?” Logan asked.
Now that was an odd question coming from Logan! Grandfather adjusted his fishing hat and looked at him with a tender expression. “Love? Well . . . love is your grandma caring for me after I had a heart attack. We love one another very much, you know.”
“Anything else?” Logan looked up at Grandfather.
“Love is what you and your family have. I know you love 'em a lot, Logan.”
Logan grimaced at that. “I guess so . . . except for Cassie. She's weird.”
Grandfather laughed heartily. Cassie was Logan's baby sister and she had not won Logan's affection just yet. “Well, young man, Cassie will grow up and become a fine girl.”
Logan changed the subject. “So what else is love?”
“Love is what you and I share,” Grandfather replied, softly. “Every day we come out here to our little pond and cast our lines and talk. Later we eat a picnic lunch. I love you, Logan Turner. Very, very much.”
“I love you, too, Pop,” Logan's baby face beamed and he smiled. “What else?”
“Do you want me to tell you about the greatest love of all?” Grandfather asked. Logan nodded. “His name is Jesus. He loves all of us . . .”
Logan interrupted, “I know about Him! Mommy and Daddy told me.”
“His love for us is the greatest love. There is no greater love.” He wrapped his arm around his grandson. “Never forget that, Logan. When we make mistakes, He still loves us. When we stumble, He'll pick us up. When we can't keep going, He'll carry us. Because He loves us.”
Logan seemed to understand. “So that's what love is?”
“Yes, Logan,” said Grandfather. “That is love.”
For a long time, they were silent again. Then small conversations about summer, sisters, and swings came up. All of these things were important to Logan, so they were important to his grandfather. As the afternoon strolled past them and the summer breezes sang their evening songs, Logan shouted, “Pop! You got a fish!”
The first and last catch of the day. Grandfather smiled intensely. “No, Logan. That's on your line.”
Logan struggled to pull in his prize. Leaping from the pond, a massive Rainbow Trout. Logan stood up, holding his fish, while Grandfather snapped a picture. Afterward Logan hugged Grandfather and said, “I love you, Pop.”
Tears in his eyes, Grandfather kissed his head. “I love you, too.”
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Well done.
God bless~
You do a lovely job of painting a scene for the reader. Be careful you don't cross the line into purple prose, which is overly descriptive words that don't really move the story along. Little things like "the boy I previously mentioned," can create a bump for your reader. Instead, incorporate it in your description. For example, you could just start out the second paragraph with something like:Logan snuggled next to his grandfather, slipping his small,smooth hand into Grandpa's large rough one. You still create a picture while introducing the characters. I enjoyed many of the great verbs you used, fluttered and whispered go a long way in creating a picture for the reader. I noticed you used more descriptions and active sentences in the beginning, then not as much later on. Sprinkle those words all over. For example, instead of saying Logan hates worms, you could show it with something like this: Logan scrunched up his nose and leaned away from the squirming worms. Tilting his head, he pointed at the tin can. "Gran'pa, can you put the yucky worm on my hook, plleeaassee?" I also tried to use dialog to show the reader he was a young boy, eliminating the need to tell his exact age. With such a limited word count, his age or hair color isn't as important. In a longer piece, it would be fine to include it and gradually give the reader more information here and there.
It's hard to do all of that in only 750 words, but you do an amazing job of it. I found myself smiling as I read and could almost feel the warm sun and gentle breeze. You have a great foundation, and I can see you doing great things the more you read and write. You have a lot of talent, and I'm sure you'll blossom more and more each time you enter the challenge. I love to look at my earlier stories (even though now they make me wince, then I thought they were perfect!) because I can see how much I've grown thanks to the helpful constructive critiques I've received over the past five years.
You definitely nailed the topic, showing not only agape love, but the special love a grandparent has for his grandson. It left me with a warm feeling and I truly enjoyed reading every bit of it. The ending was perfect.