Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Right and Left (07/31/14)
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TITLE: Doctor's Orders | Previous Challenge Entry
By Julene Celander
08/02/14 -
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Left foot. Right foot. Step, step, step. On it went in Bertie’s head. Her thoughts of a healthier life outweighed the drudgery. Why her? What had she done that was so terrible?
Maybe getting older wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. She had heard that many, many times from her mother and never understood. How could anyone not enjoy a life of leisure in their golden years?
Her doctor had given her marching orders just this morning. And he had meant just that…get out there and walk! So, she was walking. Right foot. Leftt foot. Step, step, step.
She had chosen a route that took her to a city park along the river and had planned to rest on a bench facing the river once she arrived. One way would be a mile and her body definitely wasn’t in the shape it once had been.
Bertie flopped down on the bench and stared out at the river. The river flowed like molasses in winter. It too was moving slowly on the stifling, humid August afternoon. The smoothly rolling water calmed her as the sunlight bounced off the surface of the river. Beneath the silver glow she could see the deep turquoise water.
A mother duck and her babies, all in a row, swam near the shore. How proud mama looked to see her ducklings finally able to paddle their little legs against the river’s current. Down below, a fox and her kits scittered through tall grass heading out to hunt, most likely hoping they wouldn’t become the hunted.
The pines on the opposite shore stood tall and proud. Bertie was lost in her own thoughts and neither saw nor heard anything as the gentle breeze swayed the black-eyed-Susans along the shoreline. She didn’t notice the tired old man approaching the bench.
“Beautiful sight isn’t it?” the old man stammered as he walked up behind Bertie.
With huge bugged eyes and a hesitancy that implied she didn’t know what to do or say, Bertie jumped up and turned to look at the man. “Who are you and what do you want?”
“Me? I am just passing through and stopped to take a peek at what the Creator has given us to enjoy.”
“Well, you sure are light footed. I didn’t hear a sound until you spoke! You really scared the dickens out of me!”
“Sorry, m’am. That was not my intention. What brings you to this little paradise on earth?”
“My doctor said I needed to exercise so I walked here and am resting before I head back home. I absolutely hate exercise in any way shape or form. To me it is just drudgery and nonsense.”
“But Bertie it doesn’t have to be! While you sit, listen closely. As you walk, use your eyes. Pay attention to what God has put around you and your days will be much brighter. He wants you healthy and fit so you can be of service for Him.”
Bertie turned back to the river and listened. She heard an eagle cry. She heard the wind whispering through the tall pines. She heard the rustle of cattails bending and swaying in the breeze. A blue jay sassed her and a wren sang his heart out. The crickets chirped and the tree frogs croaked.
She could see a rainbow of wild flowers along the river bank and the sky was a beautiful shade of blue. The clouds were light and fluffy as they drifted in the sky. She could see fishermen enjoying the day out on the river in their boat and children running along the beach. Their laughter infected her mood and she began to smile.
“You are so very right, Mister…uh, what did you say your name was?”
When he didn’t answer, she once again turned to look at him, but he was gone. She would never know who the stranger was that had lifted her spirits. All she knew was that he appeared out of nowhere and seemed to return in the same manner.
There was actually a song in her heart. Walking was no longer going to be drudgery. Left foot. Right foot. Skip, skip, skip. Right foot. Left foot. Skip, skip, skip.
One day Bertie would realize she had never told the stranger her name. One day she would realize she had met an angel sent from God. God sends exactly what we need when we don’t even know we need it…because He loves us so deeply.
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When you read your story again you will probably notice at least one spelling error.
You used some well thought out descriptive area in your story.
The more you think of descriptive areas the easier they will be to write.
Well done, well said, and beautifully written.
God bless~
Your sentences drew me into the calming and beautiful scenery.
I agree with Larry, you used some good descriptive sentences. Signs of some great writing ahead.
One suggestion would be to enhance your opening. Make it pop. Maybe you could have focused on the stranger that would appear, as he was central to your story. Just a suggestion.
Keep writing
God bless