Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Omnishambles (05/01/14)
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TITLE: Making Moonshine at Church | Previous Challenge Entry
By Robert Douglas Brown
05/05/14 -
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The fearless foursome spent a fortnight thinking how to make hundreds of gallons of the finest “shine” ever. Jim-Tom was the brains of the operation, and was viewed with awe. “Jim-Tom, you the smartest shiner in these here mountains. Just think, setting up a still in an old abandoned storm shelter under the churches’ basement, is something a genius could only think of.” gushed Tilbert.
It was the summer of 1955, and the foursome had been planning and thinking about how they were going to make moonshine and get rich. It had been a hap-hazard series of one bad plan after the other, but the foursome thought without doubt that they were the masterminds of a fail-proof plan to get rich, and have some wicked hooch to boot.
Lester-Ray had left his cabin on a rather cool May morning in search of buying 50 bushels of sweet white kernel corn that was the best for making Carolina Hooch as hillbilly folks loved to call it. Lester-Ray was told to see Jim-Tom for instructions before Lester-Ray set off to buy corn, and for Tilbert to buy sugar. “Lester-Ray, go to at least 5 farmers and buy 10 bushels from each. This way, they will not think you are up to something. Never tell them what you are going to do with it. Tilbert, you go and buy sugar at the Co-op, and from Elmer Smoot’s Grocery. Buy 15 pounds from each place. Never, ever tell them what you are doing with it.” Jim-Tom was worried somewhat in that either feller had not gone beyond the 8th grade.
“Mr. Drucker, how much would 50 bushels of corn cost me today? I am supposed to go to 5 farmers and buy 10 bushels from each one, but I think you will give me a much better price for 50 bushels than 10 if I buy it all from you? Well Lester-Ray, I will sell you 50 bushel for $20.00, but will charge you $10.00 for 10 bushel my friend. What are you doing with that much corn?” It seemed that Mr. Drucker was becoming more and more curios of Lester-Ray’s transaction. “Uh….we are planning to have a church social and will serve corn-on-the-cob.” muttered Lester-Ray. “OK Lester-Ray, back up your truck and I will fill it with corn.” spoke Drucker.
The same situation took place when Tilbert went out to buy sugar. By days end, the foursome had all ingredients needed for their turbo-hooch. Jim-Tom asked his 2 buddies about their purchases that day. “Did each of you do as I asked you to do? How about you Lester-Ray? “I did just that, and got a good price to boot!” How about you Tilbert? “I did just like Lester-Ray, and got a good deal as well.”
Two weeks had passed and the hooch was almost ready. The Saturday before church, Wilbert Drucker ran into grocery store owner Elmer Smoot, and discussed the odd purchases by Lester-Ray and Tilbert. “Wilbert, you think those boys are running a still?”
Reverend Luke Finley was delivering a fiery message on walking the straight and narrow, and had an extremely captive congregation. Just as he was closing the service, a huge blast went off that shook the wood frame church and had the congregation running for cover. Needless to say, the still was not working correctly. The foursome staggered out of the church basement and into the worship service. The law soon arrived as the service turned into one big old “Omnishambles” as Jim-Tom liked to call it.
After the laughter died down, Jim-Tom became dead serious. “My young friends, I could have died that night along with my 3 friends. I would NOT be in heaven now either. After spending a month in jail, a kind old man took me and my friends under his wing and told us about the Lord and how he could save us and let us enter his heaven. The boys and I go to the county jail twice a month and tell our encounter to other wayward boys to let them know that Jesus can forgive and forget whatever wrong they have done. Even if they got caught making shine!
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For overall entertainment value I'd give this two thumbs up.
God bless~
I like the way you told this very entertaining story. The dialogue was great with humor and finally, the true word of the Lord.
Thanks for a really great read. I always enjoy your articles.
"No sir, I'm the Joshua who made the moonshine still!"
But, yes, it is funny.
This similarity is merely coincidental.
Keep on writing!
It is a fantastic story and it made me laugh! Cudos to you and God Bless!
To help improve your writing, which the Challenge is all about, here's my red ink.
Use of speech marks is very important. In paragraph five there are two people speaking without separate speech marks:
...it all from you? Well Lester-Ray,...
It is also best to separate the speakers by a new paragraph.
This would have made your story much easier to read and given it greater impact. The structure will always help the story.
Having said that, I don't want to take away from an excellent ability to tell a good story. You are a good story teller.
Blessings.