Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Hum (06/06/13)
-
TITLE: MOTHERHOOD | Previous Challenge Entry
By CrisC Ramirez
06/12/13 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
Went the rocking chair as Christy was rocking her new born son to sleep. The day had been hard from being at the hospital all day. She was tired and weak from just giving birth to a beautiful bundle of joy named Louis. His dark, dark hair and strong lungs, the doctor pronounced with a chuckle. It brought tears of joy to his parents eyes. But all his beauty could not keep him out of the hospital because he had jaundice, yellowing of the skin, and had to be under the lights. Christy didn't care how weak she was from giving birth as long as she could be with her baby boy, and that's just what she did. It was three days after being born that little Louis had to stay in the hospital before being let to go home.
The time away for the lights was the special bonding time Christy had with her little prince on the rocking chair. A soothing, relaxing and loving hum she had learned from her Mom would help little Louie fall fast asleep.
Hum, hum, hum.....hum, hum, hum....
He would fall asleep in her arms after feeding. Christy loved to look at his little face and feel the warmth of his little body on her chest.
Hum, hum, hum.....hum, hum, hum....
The nurses had to put little goggles on his eyes to protect him from the lights. It brought tears to Christy's face to see him in such an unnatural state after being born. She wanted him home so bad.
"Lord, please protect my baby! Please!"
Hum, hum, hum.....hum, hum, hum....
"Your little bed is ready, my prince. I'm so happy you are here with me finally. I have been waiting for you. Can you hear me?"
Hum, hum, hum.....hum, hum, hum....
Louie was so small and fragile. Christy felt clumsy when she tried to care for him. He was her first baby. Motherhood she would learn was changing his pamper, bathing him for the first time, hearing him cry and not knowing what to do! It only brought tears to her eyes too! But being in her arms soothed little Louie.
Hum, hum, hum....hum, hum, hum....
I never knew what love was until I met you, my son! Motherhood is the very best thing I have done!
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
Try to do more showing and less telling. One way to do that is to avoid passive words like was. For example this sentence:It was three days after being born that little Louis had to stay in the hospital before being let to go home,
could be switched to something like this: After three long days, the doctors discharged Louis, and she took her baby home.
Though this isn't perfect, I hope it shows the difference made when tightening a sentence and using active verbs.
Overall you did a great job. I used to work in maternity and remember how stressful it was to both mom and baby to have to put the newborn under the bili-lights. You did a nice job of showing how special home can be.
It would help to have more plot - to explain why the baby needed the goggles. (I know, but others may not know.)
Keep writing. Motherhood is the best job in the world!