Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Beautiful (11/07/05)
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TITLE: Here's Looking At You, Kiddo | Previous Challenge Entry
By Monique Summers
11/10/05 -
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I lost a child I’ve never known or will ever hold before I even had the chance to feel that precious baby’s presence in my womb. There are moments when it feels as if butterflies are flying around in my stomach and I cry a sad smile wondering if that is what my baby would have felt like. The first few months were hard, but I made it through. Even though my husband was there with all of his questions, I felt alone.
How could God take away something I never even knew I really wanted before I even had the chance to know that I did until it was too late? Those are the questions that I wanted to ask. I would sit at my Father’s feet and just cry questions over and over wondering why He would let me feel such emptiness. I wondered what I had done wrong and how could I make it up so that it would be right again and my child would grow to live outside my womb. He just listened as I cried my tears away and then He showed me something I’d seen but never really understood.
As a child baptized in the Catholic faith, I was given the omniscient task of choosing a Saint name. I chose Mary Magdalene, the woman who had seven demons cast out of her. I chose her wanting to be different from the rest who chose the more famous Mary, Esther, and Ruth. The Mary I chose is still being talked about by the world, but not for the magnificent life she lived after the demons were cast out, but the worldly tarnished depiction that is used to defame the person the Father wanted me to see.
He showed me Jesus through Mary’s eyes and then He showed me Jesus through His. There I am at Jesus’ feet crying away the feeling of pain that writhes through His body as He hangs on the cross. I want so desperately to pull Him down and just nurse His wounds, but I can’t move. My heart aches so deeply that even a knife cutting into my flesh would be a welcome interruption of the pain that makes me want to close my eyes and never open them again.
Then He changes my viewpoint and shows me the same picture through His eyes. From His viewpoint I don’t see Jesus on the cross, I see me holding a child that my husband, whispering quietly over my shoulder, says is the most beautiful little girl he’s ever seen and that I’m the most beautiful woman who ever entered his plain of vision. Then just for a moment I close my eyes and I see Jesus on the cross again and I feel all our pains, our sadness, and our sins. I see Him descend into hell and wonder why He would choose to die for me. Then I see Him rise outshining the sun and that’s the moment when I really see.
I see that baby I never knew in His arms cooing every time my Savior blinks. I see the answer to every question that I’ve ever asked. I see the freedom that I gained because He loved me, even when I didn’t understand. I see you and me and every person that’s ever lived being free to choose to experience the life He always wanted us to live. I see a Father sacrifice His Son for His children and in His eyes we are beautiful with all our sins, doubts, and unbelief. He loves us even though He sees us and because of that I believe that Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder.
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