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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Sizzle (05/02/13)
Just a Drop of Water


One minute I am sitting at my dining table laden with wonderful, lavish, food of every sort; the next moment I hear a hissing, sizzling sound. I am no longer at the table, but somewhere in utter darkness. Not sure of what has happened, I blink my eyes several times as they adjust to the darkness. Wherever I am, it sure is hot in here, I am thinking, as I wipe the perspiration from my forehead.

Adjusting somewhat to the darkness, I begin to focus on something far off in the distance. I somehow know it is Abraham and he is holding someone close to his heart. Who is that person? He sure looks familiar. Then I remembered seeing this man outside the gate of my home. Oh yes, it's that beggar. He's the one always begging for food. He is a disgusting, wretched creature with sores all over his body. He could be a real nuisance Didn't he see how busy I was, entertaining guests in the banquet hall? Sometimes I would throw him crumbs in hopes that he would just go away. What was his name?? Lazarus? Yes that was it!

Looking again at the two of them I notice something, Lazarus doesn't have those hideous sores anymore. He is dressed nice too, very nice in fact. I don't have anything in my closet nearly as nice as that. Did I mention it is really hot in here? I am feeling really, really, miserable and alone.

“Hey, I want a drop of water! Just a drop to cool my tongue, I am tormented in these flames. Can someone help me please? Hello Abraham” I shout at the top of my lungs, “can you help me? Have mercy on me! Can you send Lazarus down to help me? If he could just dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue. I am in torment here!” Abraham replies and said, “you remember all of the good, fine things you enjoyed in your lifetime and Lazarus had nothing good? Now Lazarus is comfortable and you will be forever tormented.”

“Oh but please help me! The flames are getting hotter and they sizzle and hiss. I can't stand it!” Abraham replied, “I can't help you. You see there is a great gulf between us and no one is able to cross to the other side.”

The gulf becomes bigger and bigger until Abraham and Lazarus can no longer be seen.

The flames grow hotter and hotter, hissing and sizzling. There is no relief! Not even a drop of water....
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Member Comments
Member
Date
dub W
05/11/13
Okay, you have a start of something that might be a beautiful story. Point one - look at your work in preview, that way you can clean up some of the transfer issues. Point two: please separate dialog. each speaker gets their own paragraph. Watch changing POV. Take time to edit and proof and you will have a great submission. Keep writing, you have much to offer.
C D Swanson 
05/11/13
Good job with the topic and a good story with a powerful message.

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/24/13
I was perusing some of your stories and came across this one. You did a wonderful job of bringing that Bible story to life. It felt so real and vivid.

I noticed some of Dub's comments and I know he only wants to help you become the best writer possible. Sometimes those funky marks can show up if a story is not copied and pasted onto the actual submission sheet. It is always a good idea to hit preview before submit (A good tip is don't fill in your level or title until you're sure the piece is perfect because then you can't hit it accidentally.)

He is correct about each speaker needing a new paragraph, even if it is only one word. Instead of using taglines like he said, try using narrative lines instead. For example: "Hey, Abraham!" I jump up and flail my arms in the air.
Something like that will not only tell the reader who is speaking but also give them a picture and insight into the emotional state of the MC.

I noticed that he mentioned something about POV (Point of View). I didn't notice any POV shift. I'm still working on catching those myself. A POV shift is when the author goes into another person's mind or describes an action that the MC can't see. As a reader, I can only know what the MC sees, feels, thinks. It would be easy to do something like: Lazarus felt sorry for me. That would be a POV shift because there is no way you can know what Lazarus is feeling. However, like I said before, I didn't notice that at all. I think you did a great job with the POV.

I find it extremely difficult to tell a story in the present tense but you made it look quite easy. The only suggestion I would add is make sure you give the Bible reference where the story can be found. You can put it in an author's note and it won't add to the word count.

I think you did a delightful job with this piece. It is on topic and fresh and creative. You do have a definite knack for storytelling. Keep at it and don't get discouraged. You'd be surprised how much reading and commenting on other stories can help you figure out what works for you or what doesn't work and adjust your own writing with that knowledge. it can be a bit scary at first, though you may not have been at FW for a long time, I bet you have been reading for years, and that is who the author needs to impress--the reader! :)