Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: PICNIC - deadline 7-12-12 @ 9:59 AM NY Time (07/05/12)
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TITLE: A Stormy Picnic | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ken Ebright
07/10/12 -
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The park was in a wooded area, surrounded by tall pine trees, it was hard to see the sky. The group noticed a park ranger sped towards them and everyone gathered around Pastor.
"Hey officer, I am Greg the pastor of this church. Is there a problem?"
The officer was out of breath when he reached them. "There... is... a bad storm heading this way. We recommend you seek shelter immediately."
The wind started to blow and people scurried back to their cars when Pastor Greg noticed a shack. He was able to open the door "Everybody, get in here!"
The rain started to pound on the roof, the winds howled, and then there was a sound of a freight train. Bang, a corner of the roof peeled away. The congregation squeezed into a corner holding on for dear life.
About 20 minutes later it started to quiet down. Pastor and his attendee’s ventured out to see what happened. All of their belongings as well as their food was scattered everywhere. The rest of the day they cleaned up the mess that they made due to the storm.
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The worship team finished the last song as Pastor Greg went up to the podium.
"Yesterday's, Peace Church picnic was anything but peaceful. I was reminded yesterday about how Jesus calmed a storm. When we have storms in life do we trust God? Our losses yesterday were minimal compared to losing a loved one, a job, or all of our assets. When a storm hit’s our lives we ask why? What good can come from this?
Yesterday we may have lost our food, but we cleaned up our mess. We were a good Christian witness to the city. The ranger was impressed by what we had done. Yes, something good came from yesterday’s storm."
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The following Sunday the ranger came to peace church. The Pastor noticed him after the service and went up to him and shook his hand. "Are you the park Ranger?"
The ranger grinned from ear to ear. "Yes, I was impressed by what you did last week. I wanted to visit your church."
"Well thanks for coming." The pastor gave him a warm smile and patted him on the shoulder.
"I want to come back and learn about Jesus." The ranger left and Pastor shook hands with a few more people.
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Make sure you get a good proofreader to help you with the mechanics. you often put an apostrophe s to make the word plural. For example: attendee's and hit's should be attendees and hits. There were spots where you were missing a comma or a period. For example you needed a period after ...open the door. "Everyone get in." also Ranger and Pastor shouldn't be capitalized unless used as a name. For example Pastor Greg or pastor of the church. Yes, Ranger and park ranger.
These are just little errors that can be fixed by a thorough proofread. Your message is perfect. I really felt connected with the MC. I love the analogy -storms in our life. This is so true. It is easy sometimes to forget. I also liked the ending. It might have had more impact if you had ended with the ranger's last words. It would leave the reader thinking about getting to know Jesus better.
I think you did a nice job of writing on topic and giving an important message without coming off as preachy. All in all this is an enjoyable read and I think you did a nice job with it.
God bless~
Its OK to say "This is a true story." at the start.