Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Commitment (01/05/12)
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TITLE: Engraven - A Love Story | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ebony Murdoch
01/12/12 -
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Fred stared through a half-cracked window in his room at the nursing home, sloshing tepid tapioca pudding from one side of his mouth to the other. Lost in thought, he barely noticed the attendant clearing his bedside tray.
"Done with dessert, Sir?"
"Yes, Ma'am. I've had about all I can stand. Say, do you have the time?"
"Sure. It's 12:30."
"Thanks. There's a lady comes in here to chat with me sometimes. Any visitors?"
"Not so far. But we'll be sure to let you know if anyone stops by."
"All right, deal. I guess I'll just get back to watching birds on the ledge. Funny how pigeons and doves look so much alike … "
"Yes it is." She added the last of his dishes to the cart, smiled gently, rolled into the busy corridor, and disappeared.
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Hours seemed to pass without company. Or had it only been a few minutes? Fred shook his head and threw up his arms, sick of the questions bandying about in his mind.
I don't like it here. I want to go home … Where is this place anyway? Where's Nancy? And where in the world are Paul and Fred Jr.?
His thoughts sped forward in time, and back again. He saw his father putting wood on the fire before supper … and that time when he skinned his knee and Mom came running out with water and clean rags … His sister was just a baby then …
As the sun began to set, Fred waited for dinner. He hadn’t been feeling well, and the activity room was closed. Just then, a short, gray-haired woman came in and sat by his bedside. A doctor stood in the hall, taking notes.
"Fred!" she beamed.
"Well, hello! To what do I owe this pleasure?"
"I just came by to see how you were feeling."
"Fine, now that you're here."
"Do you remember who I am?"
"Can't say that I do, but I never forget a face … "
They laughed.
"So tell me about your day …" She held his hand and listened intently.
He sat up in his chair and looked off into a far corner of the room. His eyes lit up and a broad smile spread across his face.
"I remember summers with Nancy," he said. "Her hair was copper, you know? It glittered in the sun. We would hold hands and walk on the boardwalk, split an ice-cream soda … That was where I popped the question, too—right there at Coney Island, after riding on the Cyclone. Why, she was so excited, she dropped that ice-cream soda and screamed!"
"You still remember that?"
"Oh yes, of course. She was the love of my life. I told her I'd never forget her, no matter what."
"Fifty years we were married …"
"Are you sure it wasn't sixty years?"
"Sixty years! How old do you think I am, lady?" He laughed.
"Ice cream sodas haven't been the rage for quite some time …"
"Yes, yes. That's true."
"She loved to dance, that girl. We used to dance the night away, out under the stars in summer."
"What about your kids? Do you remember their names?"
"Kids? We never had any kids."
"Sure you did. What about Paul and Fred, Jr.?"
"Who? Miss, you're not listening. We never had any children."
"I brought some pictures …"
"Don't show me any pictures! I don't know who you're talking about. That's not me, you're mistaken."
Frustration crept onto Fred's face until he placed both hands on his head and sighed loudly. "I don't have any kids. Just me and Nancy …"
The woman turned on the TV and they watched reruns of old westerns. Fred loved westerns. He laughed sometimes, but sometimes he just looked sad and empty.
After a few minutes, she kissed him on the forehead and left, walking down the hall with the doctor.
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The next morning, Fred stared through the half-cracked window, sloshing applesauce from one side of his mouth to the other.
"Here's your lunch," smiled the attendant.
"Thank you. Just leave it on the tray." His brow furrowed. "Say, do you have the time? There's a lady friend comes in to chat with me sometimes. Any sign of her?"
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The short, gray-haired woman signed in at the front desk.
"Go right in, Nancy," said the clerk. "He's expecting you."
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I got a little confused during the dialogue at who was talking. Twice, in the last section of dialogue, you continued Fred's dialogue with a space between, making it appear that Nancy was talking. I kept having to go back to figure out who was talking. Also, a tag on the end of a couple more lines of dialogue showing what the characters are doing and/or just to keep us on track with who is talking would be nice.
It is sweet to see the commitment that Nancy has for Fred, even though he doesn't remember her. Nice story. :)
And for giving us a reminder that we need to visit our loved ones often, even if they don't quite remember as we do.
Touching love story.
Good Job!
There's just one spot where the dialogue could confuse the reader." "She loved to dance, that girl. We used to dance the night away, out under the stars in summer"
That's an easy fix with a, "Fred continued..." before of after the statement.
Sooner or later, all of us could have a Fred in our family. You give an eloquent description of the toll this disease takes.
What a dynamite conclusion! Great job.
Though I have read several Alzheimer stories, this one felt fresh and really grabbed my heart. This is my favorite so far this week. Great job.
God Bless~
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!