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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Commitment (01/05/12)
Breathing hard, Ken, a 17-year old, sat in his car for his first date with Beth, he grabbed the door handle four times, pulling his hand back each time. On the fifth time, he opened the car door and walked to the front porch. His arm shook when he rang the door bell. A middle-aged women came to the door.

"Can I help you?"

"Uhm I'...m h…ere t...o p…ick up B....eth f...or o...ur date. I'm Ken, by the way."

"I'm sorry, you missed her: She's at work. You may want to call her after 9 o'clock."

At 9:05 he bumbled the phone when he attempted to push the speed dial button. "Hello."

"Beth, this is Ken, Weren't we suppose to go the movies tonight?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry I got called into work. How about next Friday? I promise."

Ken sighed. "Okay, okay. I'll see you then."

**********

The trembling in his hand went away as he rushed out of his car, and ran to the porch squeezing his eyes shut, he poked at the bell, and let out a deep breath when Beth appeared.

"Hey Ken, sorry but I was scheduled to work tonight, all day tomorrow, and Sunday."

Ken hit his hand with his fist. "Beth, you promised, this is the second time you let me down."

"Yeah, I know, but I've gotta work."

"Next Friday we have a date to go to prom. Ken wagged his finger in her face.

"You better be here, or else."

Beth winked her right eye as she smiled. "I promise, we’re going to prom together. I can't wait to go with you. We’re going to have so much fun."

******

The next Friday, Ken was in a tuxedo and had a corsage in the passenger's seat when he pulled up to Beth’s house.

Beth answered the door. "Hey Ken, bad news for you. I found someone better than you to take to prom."

Ken's face turned red. "Are you serious!"

Pausing, Beth lowered her eyes. "Yes, I’m serious."

Ken let out a deep breath. "I spent $200 to rent a tuxedo, $50 for a corsage and you’re telling me that you’re taking someone else out."

Beth was silent and just stared at Ken

Ken rolled his eyes an stepped closer to Beth. "We’ve known each other since we were in kindergarten; we've been friends for years. This is the third time you’ve disappointed me. If you didn't want to go with me why didn’t just you tell me?"

"I’m sorry."

"I trusted you, you promised. I'll never go out with a woman again as long as I live."

Ken threw the corsage down on the ground. "You can put that in the trash can. What a waste!"

Beth was silent.

He walked to his car. He started it up and gunned the engine three times as Beth watched. He then squealed his tires and drove to a nearby park and cried and sobed.
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This article has been read 1131 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Judy Sauer 
01/12/12
This was more than a big let down. I was impressed with how you made Ken's determination and persistence alive.

False promises and big expectations is a recipe for disaster. The ending was flat but overall, an interesting read.
Michele Fleming 
01/12/12
The first paragraph was a little hard to read with all the studdering that Ken did. I understand the emotion, but maybe watch being to jumpy in the future. Overall, I enjoyed the piece. Poor Ken!
Kristine Baker
01/13/12
I felt tricked into thinking that Ken was attempting to go on a date with someone he just met. The conversation at the front door seemed a bit confusing once I realized they knew each other.

Watch your punctuation! There was a sentence dying to be closed up with a period.

Keep writing!
Lillian Rhoades 
01/14/12
As your title suggests,you approached the topic from an interesting angle - the lack of commitment. Your opening was descriptive and showed the inner emotions of Ken.
There are several rough edges. Ex. "Ken was in a tuxedo." Whenever you can eliminate a "was" or "is," do so.
"Ken wore a tuxedo" leaves no doubt as to word meaning.

Writing dialogue that flows easily and naturally comes with practice. Try to read other pieces, especially fiction to improve your skills in this area.

You managed to make Ken a very sympathetic character. I wish I could tell him, he's better without Beth.:-)
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
01/14/12
I really liked how you showed a lack of commitment can be so hurtful. I think you had a fresh approach to the topic.

You had a few little errors. At the end it should have been cried or sobbed(with 2 bs). I would have gone with sobbed as it paints more of a picture. Also when the woman came to the door I wished you had used a more descriptive verb like sauntered or rushed or stumbled. All three of these words show a woman came to the door but each one shows the way she made it to the door.

I liked the scene and the way you set it up. There is a valuable message for dating couples of all ages. Keep writing, my friend, and don't get discouraged. You are doing good.

Cheryl von Drehle
01/16/12
I think you have a strong story here, and believeable characters. My main suggestion would be to have an experienced writer read your stories before submission, to point out improvements for grammar, syntax, word usage, etc. For example, your fist sentence is a run-on, which could become very powerful with minimal re-work. Work on tightening up your writing... you have very creative ideas.