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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: rain (10/17/05)
The Purchase

Tommy griped as he pulled his old truck into the parking space at the General Store. Usually there was a space right up front. Not today though. “Of all days! Pouring rain and I’m gonna get soaked.”
Tommy grabbed his cane and stepped out into the rivulets of rain water making their way to lower ground. The water splashed up over his boots and seeped in, finding his socks and then his feet. Rain poured down upon him as he hobbled past the handicapped space towards the front of the store. Tommy scoffed at the symbol painted in the middle of the space. How cold the rain felt to his skin. Just as cold as his heart had become.
Tommy leaned against the door pushing it open. “Good afternoon, Mr. Abbot.” came a greeting from behind the counter. Stella always greeted him this way, hopeful that the reply would be different than the time before. She had been praying for Tommy for two years now, ever since the accident that had claimed his father and left Tommy handicapped. Tommy and his father had worked side by side as loggers until the day of the accident. The loss of his father, the guilt he carried, now had turned to bitterness in Tommy. He had fallen into despair and lost the business. For Tommy, the business had been his identity. Now, he existed day to day with no purpose. He was miserable as his life wasted away.
“Good day, Mr. Abbot. God Bless you this rainy day.” said Stella as she handed Tommy his purchase. Tommy grumbled an inaudible response.
The rain had let up a bit as Tommy headed down the road towards home; a cold, empty place of solitude. Thump, thuwump, thuwump his truck lumbered as he turned down the muddy road marking the last mile to home. “Oh No! Not a flat now! Why?! And it’s starting to pour again!” Tommy pulled his truck to the side of the road and shut it off. “I can’t change it in this rain and mud, and it’s going to be dark soon. Some blessing for me, eh?” Tommy raged. He was going to have to walk the rest of the way home.
Tommy sat fuming momentarily until he reached behind the seat for something, anything, to keep the water off of him. His hand grasped something plastic. Pulling it from behind the seat, his anger was quenched when he saw what it was. Sorrow flooded him to the core. His father’s raincoat, still bearing his blood from the accident. Why hadn’t he seen it back there before? It had been two years. He had stashed a lot behind the seat of his old truck but he didn’t remember putting that there. He had looked for things now and then and had never seen it. Every memory washed through him like a flood, threatening to submerge him in grief.
Now it was pouring unusually hard outside.
Tommy reluctantly put on his father’s raincoat, grabbed his bag and cane and stepped out into the deluge.
Tommy began to weep.
The sorrow invaded Tommy deeply. With each step he felt as though he was nearing the end of a black tunnel from which there was no return. The bitterness he had guarded for so long was exposed as the grief washed over him. Each step came with an effort that pressed Tommy beyond his burden of guilt. So many times he had played back the accident in his head. He should have been standing in that fatal spot. So many times, how he longed to have been in his father’s place and been crushed when the hydraulics failed. All he had managed was a lame leg as he frantically tried to pull his father from under the blade and had become partially stuck as the full weight finally came to rest.
That mile was the hardest one Tommy had ever walked in his life.
Tommy made it home, stumbled inside, and reached in the bag to retrieve the pack of light bulbs. His hand brushed against another item. Tommy grabbed hold of it and pulled it from the bag. An empty wooden cross. The burden washed away as Tommy sunk to his knees and called out to his Saviour. He looked down at his father’s raincoat. The rain had washed his blood away and made it just like new.
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This article has been read 915 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Linda Miller
10/24/05
This is wonderful. Held my interest throughout and had a wonderful message. You might want to do smaller paragraphs to make it easier to read but other than that this touched my heart. Thank you and keep writing.
Garnet Miller 
10/26/05
Guilt can be the heaviest load we carry in life. Only God can truly absolve us of our guilt and wash the slate clean! This is a well written article. A suggestion: for easier reading, leave spaces between the paragraphs:)
terri tiffany
10/28/05
You wrote a very good story..one that many can relate to. I was once told to let the story tell itself and not me tell the reader everything..there may be a few sentences you could leave out as you described the scene so well that the reader has already made that conclusion. Just a thought! nice writing and keep on!
dub W
10/30/05
The POV shifts in the early sections really bothered me, the story though held up until the end when it appeared to be hurried. Wonderful plot and descriptions - break up the paragraphs and work a little on stucture and you have a good one.
B Brenton
11/04/05
It's good.
I love the line: "The sorrow invaded Tommy"

Wow. Spookiness.

And the symbolisim in the washing of the raincoat.

You have it Karen! You just need some polishing.
Get a writer friend to look it over and fix it before posting.
I'd be happy to help. My e-mail is up on my FW page, if you want to e-mail.