The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
This is a good story with intriguing characters. I liked how you set up the conflict right away. I could feel the pain and worry your MC was facing.

You need to work on some of the mechanics of writing. Start a new paragraph each time there is a new speaker. Be careful about the overuse of ellipses. They should be used if a speaker trails off, or if you are quoting someone and you leave part of the quote out. Also it's only 3 dots...sometimes you used more. Jan's Writing Basics on the message boards has great advice.
You've done a good job with this story and it has a good message. Keep up the good work.
A very pleasing ending to your story. I won't comment on the mechanics as that has already been covered. That will come as you continue to write and I hope you do!