Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Outlook (06/02/11)
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TITLE: Tomorrow | Previous Challenge Entry
By Erin Dijkema
06/07/11 -
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But Jakeem felt increasingly more each day that there was something distinctly missing in this compound society and the regime it ran. He couldn’t figure it out, he had been drilled out of everything but. He only wanted to lie in the deep African grass under the tall massive tree and once again stare at the stars and watch as one by one they slowly fell while just as slowly his eyelids became weaker and weaker towards complete rest. He used to have the assurance that his father, mother and two sisters would be right beside him in the morning, just like any other year on a date around this time, it could be today, but the awful sights he has seen and done himself to young children, grown men and women like his beloved mother and father, have all but blurred the year into one day of hell. He does not like to relive every day, he uses drugs to lose himself beyond conscious thought, to lose all pain. But tonight, he promised he would not, just to complete this one tradition in order to save all the good memories he had with his family. Lying there, he reminisces all the wonderful and beautiful moments his family left behind for him to treasure. They were beautiful; tokens of love and expressions of what was supposed to come. This war, this violence, this very camp lacks love, lacks promise, despite what they tell him; it all lacks beauty. This is why Jakeem came out here even with all the possible dangers he could come up against. He needed the beauty one more time, he needed to remember what love was again; resisting to become a hard formed, controlled soldier for the army, he wanted to once again treasure that love who no one can recreate except if coming from the One his mother had always spoken about and prayed to. Those were serene days, days of rest and comfort, days fit to relapse in the form of multiple dreams in one of the deepest sleeps Jakeem had ever gone into since the day he was kidnapped. This was the day Jakeem got a new outlook, once again on what life really was meant to be. Tomorrow he will worry about the big purpose beyond this trip, despite the imminent and immediate danger of death he would face or the focus of cruel and strong manipulation to force him into deeper depression and anger, but for now he just rests in the peace he has not seen in the ugliness of war.
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Try reading your work out loud to learn where sentences can begin and end. I wanted to read the story so I stuck with it but several times I got lost.
You have described the feelings of the boy very well. Look into the meanings of telling versus showing. It would take this to a first place piece. Be encouraged.
In short stories shorter paragraphs often help the reader to not feel overwhelmed. I also noticed in the beginning you used bear instead of bare.
But those are little details, you described the horror of war with vivid detail. I can only imagine to survive such sights would be to look for a better tomorrow.