Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Outlandish (05/19/11)
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TITLE: Faith lesson | Previous Challenge Entry
By Anthony Elsom
05/21/11 -
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This is a story about our assistant pastor, he was always trying a new angle, with his walk with God. Trying to prove the he had a little more of his power than the rest of us.Pastor Steve Chivers made a public announcement, that at 10am Monday morning at the pier in the bay ,he was going to walk on water.
Word spread throughout the city, Monday morning two hundred locals gather by the pier, with a media crew from Chanel (7) It was a cold morning any colder and Pastor Chives would be guaranteed of success as the southern Ocean would be frozen over.
Pastor Chivers tried to prepare mentally reading Matthew 14 where Jesus asked Peter come walk on the water with him. You could see the dread on the young Pastors face as if had come to the realization the he had painted himself into a corner, to which there was no escape. He took off his track suit to reveil an athletic body , the crowd made all sort of noises not many of encouragement. Steve was hesitant wondering how he could get out of it, but the longer he would wait the bigger crowd would be. A chant began in the crowd, "walk on water" " walk on water" nearly all two and fifty joined in. the pressure was on the young man.At 10:05 am Pastor Steve Chivers took a step of faith , stepping off the end of the pier, the was a great silence as the man of God stepped forward, a splash and then 250 people breathed again, and in unison said "or" . Steve not wanting to face the crowd swam out in to the bay, and out around the point exiting the water several Km's away. The crowd withdrew some comment "he really believe he could do it" Past Steve went on paid leave for a month and learn faith in smaller things, like knowing God was with him when everyone else was not.
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If you double-spaced between the paragraphs and checked your spacing and punctuation, it would have been easier to read.
Keep up the writing.
Next time(and there definitely should be a next time because your talent is obvious) you may want to send it on a PC and not your android. That way you'll be able to see what a difference smaller paragraphs and double spacing between them makes a difference to the reader. You also missed some little editing things like Pastors hat instead of Pastor's hat.
But I really enjoyed your passionate way of storytelling and the message is wonderful. I also like how instead of taking the easy way out by saying that proves there isn't a God, you showed the importance of having faith. Great storytelling.