Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Year(s) (01/20/11)
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TITLE: Real Life | Previous Challenge Entry
By Brenda Fox
01/27/11 -
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It was a two and a half hour trip, long and boring usually. But that day I appreciated the long drive as I used the time to pray when my mind wasn’t playing “what if”. I had no idea how changed my life would be before the return trip later that day. The clouds hung low and dark, threatening rain. If I had believed in omens, it would have been an indication for me of things to come later.
After arriving at my destination and waiting for a short time, I was directed to a small room to wait some more. Then, a brief knock and he entered the room. He was a large man with a neatly trimmed beard and hair. He pulled over a cold looking metal stool and then sat facing me. He reminded me of someone I couldn’t place at the moment. It’s strange, the thoughts that run through your head at the most bizarre times. It was one of those moments when you are holding your breath thinking the worst but believe it’s really going to be nothing and everything will remain normal. Without any flicker of emotion he simply said, “I’m sorry, the biopsy was malignant. You have cancer.” He sat motionless waiting for my response. I acknowledged his matter of fact information with a short nod. Outwardly, I appeared as calm as he did. Inwardly, I was just getting up from being slammed against the wall.
“Don’t cry. Not here, not now! Just listen.” I ordered myself. He continued on with pertinent information as I struggled within to keep from drowning in an emotional overload. “Don’t cr..” Too late. The tears I had struggled to hold back were now coursing down my cheeks, though quietly. And there he sat, continuing with endless, though important, information calmly watching me with detached emotion. He stood to go, shook my hand and left me to wipe my tears on the way out. No pat on the shoulder, not even an encouraging word from him. All I could think was how much I disliked him watching me cry.
Blinking several times to clear my eyes, I was finally able to write the check for services rendered. How sadistic it seemed to pay someone to inflict you with such painful news. Unmindful of the rain, I got into my car with new orders; “Just wait. Keep it together.”
I headed for the interstate repeating those orders like a new mantra.
Finally, somewhere on a lonely stretch of interstate, halfway home, I couldn’t hold on any longer. The fears, the uncertainties, the anger erupted into deep, dark sobs. My chest felt as if it were being ripped apart with each sob. Then the anger came, quick and fierce. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Suddenly I felt the screams pushing their way out of my mouth releasing some of the anger. I screamed and I screamed again and then again. “I don’t want this. Take it away. God, where are you?” More anger more screams. To the other drivers, I was nothing out of the ordinary, staying in my lane, going the right direction. Inside my car I was a total contradiction of the normalcy perceived.
The rest of the drive home became a battle ground for my mind as I fluctuated between prayer and the unknown. Doubts kept clawing their way to the surface of my mind like a drowning person desperate for air. “Pray, don’t think. Just pray. Remember His Word. Speak His Word, now! ‘I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.’ Now, repeat it over and over.” I finally arrived home, exhausted, but calmer.
When you have been given news that could mean possible death, you start to think differently. Right away you think of the years you’ve wasted and wonder how many you have left. You learn to cherish what is important and give extra emphasis to that importance. You learn to be thankful for the years you’ve had. You treasure your salvation. You start thinking in terms of eternity. You pray more. You realize how precious life is and pray for the safe arrival of loved ones. You become more thankful. You love more, you love deeper. You tell others you love them more often. You lean more on God’s Word. You change more and are more willing to change. And in time you realize that sometimes the greatest blessings come wrapped in pain, but God is sufficient.
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