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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: The Book Store/Library (06/03/10)
Change of Heart

When I walked out of the library I had nothing on my mind but Ponyboy and his gang of greaser friends. Most teenagers were reading vampire books but I liked the classics, the Outsider’s my favourite. I was alone and I liked that too. But Lonnie, my best friend, and Jason spotted me and I found myself saying yes to going to The Meeting Place, a cool book store just a street away from the library. It was easier to say yes than usual because my dad’s new girlfriend, Linda, owned the place. I liked this one.
I couldn’t say the same about Jason, Lonnie’s latest boyfriend. Maybe it was his black bangs that hid his eyes.
Something in the pit of my stomach warned me not to go. But I ignored my gut feelings because they always got mixed up, like in cartoons when the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other are talking at once so the words get jumbled.
At The Meeting Place Linda was unloading a box of books. Just walking into her place, I felt better.
“Hi Dannie. Good to see you,” Linda gave me a hug. “Shopping today?”
“No, just looking for some friends. They should be here somewhere.” I looked around but they were not in the main entrance room.
“Friends? I didn’t see anyone come in except for Caleb and his mom. I think they’re in the children’s room. Were you looking for them?”
I tugged at my jacket zipper, my stomach feeling like I’d just eaten a bad apple.
“Oh, yea,” I lied. “I think Caleb’s mom wanted to ask me to baby sit. I’ll go see.”
Walking the hallway, I felt a warm breeze from the back door that opened to an alley. I could hear Caleb’s mom reading. It sounded like “Jonah and The Whale.” I heard shuffling in the music room. Lonnie’s brown eyes locked with mine, Jason’s back pack open on the floor, already three CD’s inside.
“Lonnie,” I pleaded. “C’mon. Not here.”
“I heard you were pretty good at this,” Jason dropped another CD in his back pack. “I heard about the purses you stole. You even sold them, was what I heard.”
I glared at Lonnie, mad that she had told Jason. “That was long ago, just after my mom died. I was messed up.”
Depressed, Lonnie thought that stealing would get my mind off my mom. Her mom had left her dad when she was a baby, and her step mom was nice enough, I thought, but Lonnie wasn’t close to her. I’d once admired her for that. I used to think that if I hadn’t been so close to my mom, my heart would not have broken when she died of ovarian cancer. Now I’m learning. I’m learning that if it can’t break your heart, it isn’t worth it.
“Lonnie, this is Linda’s place. I like Linda.” What else could I say?
I didn’t want them to steal from Linda but Lonnie had been threatening to leave me. When I took her to movie night with Brock, my neighbour, and the Christian Youth Group she walked out before the show was over. She’d said she wouldn’t hang with me if I stayed friends with “bible boy” Brock. Brock never said anything bad against Lonnie. Cherie liked Ponyboy even though he was a greaser. She saw his heart.
The cartoon angels and devils were arguing on my shoulders. I needed one of them to be silent.
“Ok.” I stepped toward Lonnie. “But I’m going to pretend I never saw you. Are you going to go out the back door?”
“Yes.” Lonnie’s eyes blinked at me. “Let’s go Jason”.
“Just stay here five minutes okay? I’ll make sure Linda is kept up front.”
As I strided the hallway toward the front of the store, I heard Caleb’s mom. “God gave Jonah a second chance to not run away from Him.”
Linda had finished unpacking the boxes and was pricing a few books.
“Did you find your friends?” she inquired.
“Linda, can you go lock the back door?”
Yes. But, why? Where are you going? Dannie?”
But I was already out the door, running to the alley, and calling 911 on my cell phone.
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This article has been read 676 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Patricia Turner 
06/10/10
I'm glad your MC did the right thing in the end, and the scripture reference was good. I did get a little confused over some of the characters (is Brock Ponyboy or are they just talking about him?) Also, putting space between your paragraphs will help make your story more readable. Hope you'll keep writing!
Yvonne Blake 
06/12/10
Interesting plot. It will help the reader to leave an extra line between paragraphs. I had to learn that too when I first came to FW. Good use of dialogue.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
06/12/10
It's a great story but it did take some work to keep me focused. There were a lot of characters and I had trouble following the pace.

But once I slowed down i really enjoyed it. I think you were limited by the word count. I could see this being a chapter of a tween book.

Keep up the good work, you have the start of a potentially wonderful book.
Lyn Churchyard
06/13/10
Not a bad story, and the dialogue was quite good.
The first paragraph could be improved with some punctuation, and, as others have said, leave a space between your paragraphs.
Lots of potential here, well done.

Gregory Kane
06/14/10
As has been said, there was a bit too much information overload here. Better to have reduced the characters and used the extra space to describe the setting. What was that bookstore like? Was it warm, friendly, untidy etc?
Nevertheless you had a good moral and I particularly liked the way you wrote of an angel and a demon on the MC's shoulders. Nice metaphorical way of conveying the moral uncertainties
Verna Cole Mitchell 
06/15/10
I liked your story very much. You provided a good resolution to the mc's problem. Ponyboy was a great character in the book, but you might have left him out here to reduce the number of characters and avoid confusion for those who hadn't read THE OUTSIDERS.
Dusti (Bramlage) Zarse
06/16/10
I agree with one of the above comments. I think you have the making of a good tween book. Your writing style fits, and there's enough content to be an interesting read, what with the death of the mother, the rebellion, the friends, and the Christian alternative. There is a sad want of Christian novels geared toward teenagers.
Rachel Phelps
06/16/10
I LOVE The Outsiders as well. I liked the set up -but perhaps the story was too much for the word count. Would love to see a second, longer draft of this with some more atmosphere.