The Official Writing Challenge
BACK TO
CHALLENGE
MAIN
INSTRUCTIONS
how it works
submission rules
guidelines for
choosing a level
ENTRIES
submit your entry
read current entries
read past entries
challenge winners
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.


TRUST JESUS TODAY

  • Share
  • how it works
  • Submit
Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Ohhh…. (02/04/10)
Riding the Train to Bloomfield

Fred D. Anderson is an attorney for an upper state New York law firm. Because of the congestion of travel, his wife takes him to the train station every morning. With Margie’s help, for the past five years, Fred always arrives early to his office, therefore is known for his punctuality.

Fred has a court hearing on Wednesday afternoon that is forty five minutes from his law office, so he ask Amy, his administrative assistant to schedule and purchase a train ticket. On Wednesday, after a brief meeting with his assistant to go over duties in his absence, Amy hands Fred his train ticket and a Daily News, and Fred is off to catch a cab to the New York Grand Central train station.

Fred settles back in his seat in the taxi and pulls out his blackberry to make some last minute calls to a client. After hanging up from his call, Fred feels at ease and enjoys his ride to the station knowing he has left his office in plenty of time to make his train.

After reaching the station, Fred pulls his train ticket from his lapel pocket and looks at it briefly to see which gate he needs to leave from and proceeds to Gate 7. Reaching the gate, Fred hands the ticket to the Conductor. He receives the stub back from the conductor putting it back in his pocket. He looks up at the gate sign just to make sure he is at the right place of his departure. He climbs the steps and walking slowly down the aisle, he happily finds his seat is by a window.

Fred is a very punctual individual and nothing can make him more confident in his day going smooth than to arrive in the New York Grand Central Station to find that the train is on schedule and will be pulling off on time. He takes out the morning newspaper from his briefcase that Amy gave him. Preparing for his 45 minute ride to his destination, he sips on a cup of herbal tea he had purchase just before boarding his train.

The train ride has been a pleasant one which helps Fred to feel less anxious in going into court. He felt well prepared for this case and glad it has come to the finally hearing. Just about 15 minutes before his arrival, he thought to text his wife to remind her to pick up his laundry from the cleaners. Margie is truly a blessing of God and he is grateful for having such a loving wife.

He thinks for a moment of how much she assists him in getting through his days with ease. She is a gift that any man could appreciate. Getting up every morning to drive him to the train station and returning to pick him up in the evening. He thanks the Lord for giving him a true helpmate and a beautiful one too!

After putting his cell phone back in his pocket, he looks at his watch to see that the train in on time. It is a beautiful autumn day and the feeling of victory seems to be in the air. This is a case that he is looking forward in it coming to a close and winning it will give Fred a feeling of accomplishment not only for his client but for his firm.

As the train approaches his destination, Fred is shock when he sees the sign in the train station reading, ‘Welcome to Bloomfield, New Jersey’, Ohhh!. As Fred pulls out his ticket stub and reads his ticket carefully, sure enough, it read Bloomfield, New Jersey instead of Belmar, New Jersey. Fred’s court scheduled is in the city of Belmar. Amy had purchase his ticket for the wrong train.

Fred looks at the ticket stub in total unbelief as he realizes the predicament he is in. He sighs again in agony, “Ohhh, God help me”. As sweat begins to form on his forehead, he pulls his hanky from his suit pocket to wipe his brow. Fred looks out of the window from the train and ponders what he should do, he says again, “Ohhh my Lord, what I’m I to do”.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE

JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
This article has been read 621 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Lisha Hunnicutt
02/13/10
This story ends too soon. It feels like the ending is missing with no satisfying conclusion.
Verna Mull
02/13/10
I agree, I'd have liked to hear how the Lord got him out of his dilemma, like-his wife could have called the office for something, and learned that he had a ticket to the wrong place, called him, and met him in the correct place or?????????????? Quite a few typos that could be corrected, but you have a good story going there!
Jan Ackerson
02/16/10
I just knew something was going to knock this poor man out of his lovely day. Awwww.

A few suggestions: This might work better in past tense; it was present tense for the most part, but you switched every now and then. And it's best to reserve the use of exclamation points to dialog only.

I like its open ending, with poor Fred scratching his head.