The Official Writing Challenge
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I like this zippy little poem and its storyline; however, when you write poetry, you must be careful of the syllable count in each line. Your rhythm was off in that regard. Also, if you will look back at the poem, sometimes in the same stanza, you are in one tense and then jump to another. You have the makings of a really fun, concrete poem; you just need to look at it closely in some of the areas I have mentioned.
You've written a clever poem. It may have worked better in couplets, two lines per stanza; just a punctuation situation.
thank you. a big story here told in little snippets. quite clever! thanks