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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Adolescence/Teen Years (07/16/09)
Rachel stomped her way up the stairs. Thinking how unreasonable her Mother was being. All the other kids’ parents let them go to concerts. There was no reason why she could not go. Living here is like a prison. Mother wouldn’t let her do anything. She is sixteen going on seventeen years old and sooner or later Mom would have to cut the apron strings. Besides sixteen is the new thirty’s these days and it was time to start living in the present.

With each brooding step she got closer to slamming her bedroom door to solidify her statement of disapproval. She was mulling over in her head all the things that Mother’s don’t get. Mom obviously does not understand that by not letting her go she was committing social suicide. After the sound of the door spread like thunder through out the house she plopped on the bed and pointed the remote to the TV. Her cell phone was vibrating on the night stand. She sent a text back to explain to her friend that her Mother would not let her go.

After watching TV for hours she heard a faint tap at the door. She had rolled her eyes so many times at this point they were sore. Her Mother came in and sat on the edge of the bed. She had a look on her face like she had seen a ghost.

“What? You’ve already ruined my social life what’s your next goal?”

“Rach, I’m not sure how to tell you this but, Emma has been in an accident.”

“What? What happened? Wait don’t tell me, I told her not to go! I just knew we’d get caught. She had texted me and asked me to go with them, I wasn’t happy with your decision but, I knew better than to sneak out of the house. Trust me Mom I promise I would never do that! So what kind of trouble is she in?”

Her Mother sighs with relief, “Come give me a hug, thank God you were not with her! I can’t believe you knew what she was doing and you did not tell me?”

“Mom, just because I’m too scared of your wrath doesn’t mean I’m a nark! What happened?”

“Well, Emma and a few other kids snuck out and decided to go to the concert. Someone else was driving and Emma was in the passenger seat. The driver ran a stoplight and someone hit Emma’s side of the car.”

Rachel pulled from her Mom’s arms as the blood rushed to her face. What a reality check. A million things were racing in her head. She forgot about how angry she was with her Mother. Maybe she should have told her Mom about the text? If she did maybe Emma would have not gone? Her thoughts were stunned by the notion that one single decision could uproot her entire life.

After a short stint of dead air Rachel hugged her Mom again, “Mom, I’m sorry I got so angry at you and I should have told you about the text message she sent me. I guess Emma learned the hard way. I understand what she did was wrong and it’s been a good lesson for me. Next time no secrets, I promise!”

She jokingly put her hand over her Mother’s lips and said, “shh, you don’t have to say it, I know, you win. Mother’s always know best!” So, what’s the deal with Emma? Is she in the hospital or at home, I bet she’s feeling a bit knocked around, I better text her and send her some good cheer! I imagine she will be on restriction for quite some time, poor girl!”

Rachel chuckled and started to fiddle with the remote while surfing the channels, “Mom, chill I get it honestly. I wasn’t happy with your decision but at least I listened and didn’t sneak out, what’s with the look?”

Rachel’s Mother just hung her head down and stared at the floor in silence.
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This article has been read 750 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Sara Harricharan
07/23/09
A little obvious with the mother knows best cliche, but the ending does carry a good surprise twist. I guessed that something big was going to happen, just not that Emma would die.

There's a little bit of confusion in the beginning, I wasn't sure what was description or what was Rachel's thoughts, try some italics next time for her thoughts-and that should clear it up nicely. italics

Good job!
Jackie Wilson
07/25/09
Good story and message. Thanks for sharing.
BILL HUNT
07/29/09
You've got the craft of a real story here. In the narration you have a third person point of view. In the dialog you have first person point of view. I think you'd bring it to life by writing both from the first person as if you are the Teen girl, yourself, experiencing the tragedy. Tell the whole story through your experience.