Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Light and Dark (05/21/09)
-
TITLE: A New Dawn | Previous Challenge Entry
By Zolgar the Insane
05/23/09 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
Kyle knelt next to the headstone, after confirming it was who he came to see. He chuckled slightly. “Sorry I missed the funeral Jacob, I'm sure you understand though. Might be a good thing too, don't think I would have let them plant you under this monstrosity they call a tombstone. Always said you just wanted a rock with your name on it.
“Well.. I got that for you.” He pulled a rock out of his pocket, with 'Jacob Richards, 1967-2009' written on it. “They could have taken the money this monument cost, and donated it to the church for some of the repairs it needs. But then, the monument was covered by the congregation.
“You touched a lot of lives Jacob, you were always there for everyone, whether they were part of your congregation, or even part of your religion or not. That's why I'm here, I suppose.” He set the rock on the tombstone. “I wish I could have said this to you when you were alive, but... I've never been good with words, I only hope you knew. Of all the people I've met over the years, you were the only one who could look past what I've done.. what I am. You offered friendship instead damnation, knowing that if your peers knew, they would condemn you for associating with me.
“You said once.. if I still had a soul, I could be saved..” He wiped tears from his eyes, for a moment trying to remember just how long it had been since he had cried. “I'd like to think that tears for a fallen friend are indicative that I am still human enough. I only wish you were still here, to witness this.. to tell me what I'm supposed to do, or supposed to say.
“Father in Heaven, most would say I am beyond redemption. They might be right, I don't know if you're even listening to me. Jacob always said you could use anyone, I think he suspected I was listening to his sermons. I .. don't know how to word this, I want to put this cursed body, and all its gifts, to use for you Lord. Accept this tormented soul in to the body of Christ. Amen.”
He stood up, looking to the horizon, seeing the first hints of dawn. “You always said that when it seemed the darkest, it was just the sign of a new dawn. I think you were right. Your crowning achievement as a preacher was achieved just after your death, and none of your congregation or peers will ever even know about it. I hope to see you again on the other side Jacob.. but I don't feel like testing it so early.”
Taking one last look to the horizon, Kyle turned and ran to the church, pushing himself beyond the human limit to reach safety. He stopped for a moment in the doorway, reaching his hand out to the sunlight, feeling the warmth of the sun for the first time in over a hundred years, before retreating fully in to the darkness of the church, smiling despite the pain of his burned hand.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
You had more words, so just a few more sentences would have been great--it's fine to be mysterious, and you did it very well, but just a tad more would leave your readers less puzzled.
Very good writing skills.
I thought I made the story clear enough within the hints, because I dislike just coming out and telling people things.
What has thrown.. so far it seems every reader off is the fact that Kyle is not human. He's a vampire. I wrote this on the thought of 'if vampires were real, would they be beyond redemption?'
Why did I never come out and say it? Kyle knows what he is, and Jacob knew.. so there was no reason for Kyle to go "I'm a vampire!"
Thanks. Colin
I'm in agreement with the idea that redemption is available for anyone, no matter what, and I realize that this is a piece of fiction. If I'm reading it correctly, you're saying that a vampire has become a Christian. I'd suggest taking great care with mixing the secular (or even profane) with the concepts of Christianity.
As general comments, you've left out the word of (friendship instead of damnation...), and sometimes ending a sentence instead of continuing after a comma would be a better idea. Try it out in the future.
Cat
My suggestion would be that while you tackle some of the ethical issues reasonably well, you need to develop the mood better, including adding a lot more hints about the true identity of your character. For example, you could include his age earlier in the piece. A clever atmospheric play would be to refer to the moonlight and the fact that he doesn't cast a shadow. One other idea would be with regards to his relationship with the church sanctuary. Traditionally this would have been taboo for a vampire yet you have him retreating into the church right at the end - presumably a sign of his conversion? I think that this is a contrast that you could have built up earlier in the story.
So there you go. I'm glad you're getting so many comments. Hope this was helpful. Gregory