To Think or Not to Think, That is the Question | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: To Think or Not to Think, That is the Question | Previous Challenge Entry
By Linda Shurkey
07/28/08
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What am I thinking? I can’t tell very well if I am thinking or not. I was trying to concentrate but I don’t think I did very well. Concentration what does it mean? Who can concentrate at a time like this anyway?

My whole life has been turned upside-down. My mind is like a sieve everything slipping out through tiny holes, resembling vermicelli oozing from my strainer and clogging the sink drain. Thoughts coming and going at the speed of light………….. Light. Where is my Light? Why is it so dark? I can’t seem to shake out of this cloud of heaviness. Who’s there? Where am I? Where is Bill?……………………….

My best friend has gone to be with the Lord without me. This isn’t how I pictured it at all. In my mind’s eye we would fly hand in hand. Up, up, up through the heavens, out of this world to face our Maker. There would be joy, unspeakable joy. The angels singing, bells ringing. Oh, that was the phone again. ………………

Sure we wouldn’t be married anymore……………….

We could still be good neighbors and close friends forever……………

What a strange idea……….concentrate…………. on what? I can’s seem to focus on anything or anyone but my Bill. His pictures that are all over the apartment. I put them there so I can still see him with my physical eyes. Is that concentrating? What about watching our wedding video over and over again?

I can’t seem to bring up an idea of anything else at all.

Sure, I’m okay; I get up; get dressed after a while. I sit at the computer and play solitaire, making no sense of what is going on around me. The phone rings but I ignore it and go on the internet instead so they can’t keep calling. I eat whatever I can find, if I look for anything.

I look at the clock and try to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, wondering what day it is? Does the mail come today? Did I check it yesterday? Have I paid all the bills. Bills……… Oh, Bill. Bill, I miss you so. My mind is not working right. I need you so. How long will I be like this? My mind is………

Wait, I know what to do; I must renew my mind. Yes, that is just what I need to do. Study the scriptures. It’s what Bill always did with me every day. That is just what I need to do. I must bathe myself in the Word. That will bring me out of this comatose state and bring me closer to God and to him. Bill is still with me because God is still with me. We are one. Yes, I can concentrate. With Him all things are possible. I can concentrate on Him. I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. I will walk on.

I think, no, I know I can think on these things. I will think on what is pure, holy, honest, lovely, virtuous, praiseworthy. Thank you, Lord. And, Lord, please tell Bill I will be all right and give him a hug for me.

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